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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25874410">red string of fate (fate worse than death)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/huangdynasty/pseuds/huangsupremacy'>huangsupremacy (huangdynasty)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Red String of Fate, Slow Burn, Soulmates, Unrequited Love, lapslock</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 09:00:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>37,816</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25874410</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/huangdynasty/pseuds/huangsupremacy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>renjun wonders how his grandmother would react if he would tell her years later that the red string on his pinky finger would be broken by the person who was meant to be the reason he lived.</p><p>he should have asked her what happens. what happens after your soulmate rejects you.</p><p>what happens if your soulmate is in love with someone else.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Qian Kun, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Wong Kun Hang | Hendery/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>226</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>501</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"yes sicheng, i promise to call you every week." renjun sighed, phone nestled into the crook of his neck as he struggled to unlock the door to his new apartment. "please tell kun that he doesn't need to send weekly care packages. guys, i'm 20, i can handle myself."</p>
<p>"we know, we know. we're just worried is all." sicheng stated, anxiety palpable through the call. rolling his eyes, renjun smiled as he finally pushed through the front door. "you can always come home if you hate it there. just say the word and we'll book you the first flight back."</p>
<p>"alright, i got to my place so i gotta go."</p>
<p>"okay jun, love you." humming, renjun dragged his luggage through the entrance before bringing his hand to grab his phone again. "say it back."</p>
<p>"i love you too." renjun laughed before they finally exchanged a proper goodbye, leaving sicheng to end the call knowing he hates being the one who has to cut the line of communication with his brother. because he's a great little brother like that.</p>
<p>"soulmate?"</p>
<p>if you asked renjun about what happened, he would attest that he didn't let out a shriek. he just let out a small yelp as he looked away from the door and to the kitchen bar to the man eating cereal shirtless at 4 in the afternoon. is that chocolate milk? placing a hand on his chest, renjun slowly tried getting his breathing pattern back to normal before he could get anything out.</p>
<p>"no, just my brother."</p>
<p>"well, you must be the new roommate. welcome to apartment 203." the man saluted before shoveling another spoonful of cereal into his mouth. "i'm lee donghyuck."</p>
<p>"huang renjun." looking at his new roommate a little apprehensively, he kicked the door shut light before toeing off his shoes near the rack. donghyuck doesn't look at all uncomfortable, just watching renjun struggle at keeping his luggage upright as he slowly rolled his way towards him.</p>
<p>"your room is down the fall to your left, door on the right. you need any help?"</p>
<p>"no it's okay, i got it. thanks though." renjun replied, moving towards his room as donghyuck let out a hum, turning back to his phone. after successfully moving his army of suitcases into his new room, renjun let out a sigh once he shut the door. "alright, let's do this."</p>
<p>renjun wasn't sure how much time had passed since he had been unpacking and setting up his room. he was only brought out of his movements when a knock came on his door. letting out a hum of acknowledgement, renjun looked up towards the door as it creaked open.</p>
<p>"how's the unpacking?" a now fully dressed donghyuck asked, slowly opening the door. renjun looked around his room that looked half put together and half like a hurricane made it's way through it. he smiled sheepishly as donghyuck nodded at the scene before him. "yeah, been there, done that."</p>
<p>"it's a process." renjun stated as he rolled his neck, wincing at the slight sting.</p>
<p>"i was heading to a cafe nearby to grab a drink and wanted to know if you'd want to join." donghyuck commented. "a little roommate bonding."</p>
<p>renjun looked around his room again, taking in the chaos that had taken over his new home. it looked like a few more hours of unpacking before he'd even be close to done. not to mention all of the things that kun had shoved in his untouched suitcase. he could feel the headache set in before looking at donghyuck. "yeah i'm in."</p>
<p>donghyuck, renjun found out, is more eccentric and dramatic than originally anticipated. it was easy for him to draw renjun out of his shell, bringing out the more violent affectionate side that usually took months to pull out. sicheng would be proud to watch him attempt to choke hold someone he had only just met that day.</p>
<p>"is it too late to ship you back to china?" donghyuck joked, opening up the door to the cafe he had guided them too. </p>
<p>"sorry to tell you but you're stuck with me." renjun snorted, rolling his eyes as he stepped through into the small shop. the banter continued for a short while as they waited for their order, claiming a table of their own before donghyuck commented something that peaked renjun's interest. "sorry what was that?"</p>
<p>"i said." donghyuck lamented, drawing out the phrase as if he was offended that renjun wasn't listening the first time. "i swear my friend hates his soulmate with how he drinks his coffee. i mean, who drinks a large iced americano with four espresso shots and no water and wants to live a long and happy life."</p>
<p>"what do you mean four espresso-" renjun began before deciding it was better to not delve into the coffee order of a demon. shaking his head, he directed the conversation back to the topic that had originally grabbed his attention. "have you found your soulmate?"</p>
<p>growing up, his grandmother had raised renjun on stories about soulmates finding each other through a red string tied to their pinkies. that delicate thread tied their fate to another person who would cherish them like they were their entire universe. movies were built around soulmates finding each other across countries, following their string to no-mans land just to find the person they were destined to love. it was the force that pushed the universe forward, something everyone was taught to dream of.</p>
<p>"yeah, he's an absolute nerd with a giant head to match." despite the harsher nickname, donghyuck's entire face was filled with adoration. the nickname itself was said with affection, a soft tone that renjun heard often between his brother and boyfriend. it was something renjun yearned for, an all enveloping love that would come out naturally. smiling at donghyuck's newfound pliant state, renjun prompted him to fall into the story of how they met after their order came.</p>
<p>renjun learned that donghyuck's soulmate was named mark lee, a business major from canada that was in donghyuck's entry level chemistry class by accident. donghyuck hadn't known they were soulmates until lab when mark had almost poured acid on himself. to which donghyuck swooped in like a prince charming, or so he claims, as he pulled his own hand back only to find mark's followed suit due to the tug he felt on his pinky. the red string saving mark from a front full of acid and earning him a life long love.</p>
<p>donghyuck through his story telling and dramatics still held an expression of a fool in love. despite renjun teasing him and making fun of how absolutely besotted donghyuck was with his soulmate, he had a permanent smile playing on his lips as he listened to his new friend's story. it reminded him of the stories his grandmother would tell him to lull him to sleep, a familiar sense of warmth filling his chest.</p>
<p>"so were you really smooth or did you yank your arm back and he went flying with?" renjun commented, bringing his cup up. "cause i-"</p>
<p>a jolt halted his teasing, eyes flicking down to the soft red string tied around his pinky. eyebrows furrowing, renjun looked up quickly, following the faint line of red that led out the door of the cafe, only growing farther until it disappeared into nothing. the string began fading once again, colour receeding on itself until there was nothing but a short knot around renjun's finger like he was accustomed to.</p>
<p>"are you okay?" donghyuck's voice broke his trance, focus brought back to his roommate who was shooting him a confused look. renjun took a short sip of his tea before answering.</p>
<p>"yeah, perfectly fine. so, how was the first date with the big head?"</p><hr/>
<p>renjun laid in his bed facing the ceiling, arm stretched out in front of him as he peered at his left hand. his soulmate string was as short as it ever was, barely a couple of centimetres long past the small knot encircling his finger. it was just enough to tug on but not enough to give any direction to his other half.</p>
<p>renjun had grown used to his soulmate string being subtle, almost an invisible red as he traveled through his childhood. as a teenager in high school, he had lamented the fact that his classmates had quickly found their soulmates throughout jilin while he was left wondering. for a period, he wasn't sure if he even had a soulmate, his string never elongating or turning bright red like he had heard about. only after having an embarrassing crying session with his brother patting his back did renjun learn that each string meant a soulmate, the colour indicating the stages of life and love.</p>
<p>the butterflies that had taken refuge in his stomach didn't stop fluttering as he kicked his feet around like a school girl. a grin broke onto renjun's face as he turned over onto his side, allowing himself a moment of giddiness as he cradled his hand to his chest. warmth pooled into his chest as he pressed himself further into his pillow. somewhere, his soulmate was out there, closer than they had ever been.</p>
<p>did his soulmate feel the pull too? were they out there looking for him as well or were they waiting on the serendipity of the universe to bring them together? have they been dreaming about this moment for as long as renjun had? what would their first meeting be like? </p>
<p>as renjun felt the lull of sleep slowly taking over, he made a mental note to write down all these questions into a journal. he wanted to share these moments and memories with his soulmate once he met them, the journey leading up to the joyous moment.</p>
<p>the moment when renjun got to meet the person he's been dreaming of.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>all thoughts of finding his soulmate were set on the back burner as university kicked into full gear. getting thrust into new art courses with a different approach than his previous university, renjun had to traverse through classes and find his footing in the foreign country he had moved to. despite renjun's confidence in korean, he knew it was nowhere near as good as his mandarin, terms losing any meaning to him as he read through the text.</p><p>that's how renjun found himself holing himself up in a corner of the library, just between the art and literature shelves, trying to catch up on the unfamiliar content he was expected to already know. it wasn't something he would admit to, knowing if he ever brought it up during his weekly calls home, kun would have attempted to bring him back immediately. however, as the words on the page began melding together into a literary monster before his eyes, renjun was just a tad bit overwhelmed with his game of catch-up.</p><p>just as he was about to slam his head into the book in front of him, he felt his knuckles slamming into the oak table on their own. hissing, renjun rubbed his knuckles with his other hand, face scrunching up in confusion. looking down at his hand to inspect the damage, a soft gasp was pulled from his lips.</p><p>red string long and winding throughout the floor of the library, stark red never fading as the trail continued just to the door leading to the rest of the campus. getting up quickly, renjun had to stop himself from running for the exit, swiftly moving past other patrons to make it to the front of the library. bursting through the heavy doors of the building, his eyes flickered to the string, feet following the red thread swiftly.</p><p>rounding a corner into the courtyard, the thread began fading, no longer bright enough for renjun to follow. renjun tugged at the red string that was left, hoping that his soulmate would feel it. tug back to signal that they were looking for him as well. renjun waited and waited, standing in the middle of the courtyard, neck straining to find someone he didn't know. but no tug came.</p><p>maybe they were just too far to feel the tug, renjun rationalized with himself as he made his way back to his abandoned station in the library. there was one thing for sure, however, they were here at the same university. they were so close and now all renjun had to do was find them.</p><p>cracking open his journal to a new page, renjun dated the page before beginning the new entry.</p><hr/><p>
  <em>september 11th</em>
</p><p>there was a tug as he was having a late night session painting in one of the open studios. the thread led out the window. renjun dropped his paintbrush and rushed over to the window to look into the dark night that was only illuminated by the street lamps set up around campus. there's not many people out but one catches his eye.</p><p>they were too far for the thread to confirm that it was them but renjun's heart pulled towards a man walking down the steps to the east side of campus towards the apartment buildings. a man, renjun's soulmate was a man. he could work with that.</p><p>renjun finished the painting that night with a smile and newfound vigor.</p><p>
  <em>september 23rd</em>
</p><p>there was a tug as he was in the library again. he was too busy trying to understand the difference between the renaissance and medival art periods to run out of the library again. instead, renjun tugged at the string.</p><p>no tug back. renjun kept studying.</p><p>
  <em>october 2nd</em>
</p><p>finally met mark. donghyuck teases him a lot and mark always blushes and ducks his face away but anyone could tell they're in love. from the small touches or the fond looks they give each other. this is what soulmates are like. renjun sometimes felt like he was intruding on them with some of the moments they shared.</p><p>he wonders if loving a soulmate is just that easy. mark and donghyuck make it look so simple with the way they gravitate towards each other. will he fall in love quickly or will it be a slow process?</p><p>will he meet his soulmate soon? he hopes so. he can't wait to get revenge on donghyuck once he finally meets his soulmate. wondering if donghyuck will have the same reactions he had. if donghyuck would look at them and see the love they emit so easily.</p><p>renjun wished for a moments like that. soulmate don't make him wait too long.</p><p>he'll be waiting.</p><p>
  <em>october 9th</em>
</p><p>received a poor mark on one of his art pieces. he locked himself in his room to cry alone. would his soulmate be there to comfort him when he's upset? would they wipe his tears away and tell him everything would be alright? why hasn't he found them yet?</p><p>
  <em>october 17th</em>
</p><p>feeling a little more homesick than usual. sicheng has become less overbearing knowing he had friends now and was fitting in well in his new environment. kun was still concerned about him, always telling him he could come home at any time. listening to their voices filter through the phone only made him more homesick, knowing there was a boundary between them. </p><p>would his soulmate feel like a home once they met? would they feel like home for him? would they be each other's homes?</p><p>he still hasn't told them about his soulmate being so close yet so far. he didn't want to tell them until he knew for sure, until he could say he found his soulmate.</p><p>renjun felt better knowing they were in the same area. he would find his home soon.</p><hr/><p>october 20th</p><p>his soulmate comes in the form of immeasurable beauty. beauty that renjun would never be able to capture on a canvas, no matter how hard he tried. he wasn't sure if it was just the soulmate bond that illicited this reaction or if his soulmate truly was just intimidatingly handsome, but what he was sure of is that he could fall in love with him if he wasn't already.</p><p>love at first sight. maybe it truly was as simple and easy as mark and donghyuck made it look.</p><p>renjun had been drowning in coursework as midterms had kicked into high gear. he had to write three essays, had a comprehensive exam in art history, and was expected to have five new pieces using different mediums by next week. to say renjun was stressed was an understatement. he wasn't sure what can of red bull he was on, he just knew that he felt like he could fly soon.</p><p>maybe he should draw flying bulls for his acrylic work. flying bulls with fairy wings.</p><p>so maybe renjun felt a little closer to being on drugs than on a caffeine high but at least he was able to power through two of his essays and halfway through his third. donghyuck had called it a night, leaving renjun in the library alone with the promise of being awake when renjun decided to come home. rolling his neck, he felt it pop in three separate places before he powered through the rest of his paper.</p><p>once the caffeine began wearing off in his system, renjun decided that 2am would be a good time to head home and get in a quick power nap before he had to wake back up to finish that charcoal piece he had abandoned. as renjun packed up all his work, he couldn't tell if the feeling on his left hand was from his entire body vibrating from coming down from the high or an actual tug on the string. </p><p>but perhaps his mind didn't need to know. his body felt like it was on autopilot as he found himself only a meter away from a table and it's single occupant in an empty part of the library.</p><p>the man had his head leaned down, furiously writing and crossing out words in a torn down journal, soft black hair framing a handsome face. glasses were perched on top of a high nose bridge as his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. despite the understated clothes that could be found on any college student, renjun thought he looked ready to walk on a runway, even in sweatpants.</p><p>and on his hand that flew across paper, a thin red string tied and taut against his pinky finger leading all the way to renjun.</p><p>soulmate, renjun had finally found his soulmate.</p><p>if his life was a k-drama, he was sure that it would be the end of the episode. he would have had a 360 frame shot with a sunflair filter flashed over his face as the sappy music played. he can almost hear almost paradise ringing in his ears. </p><p>"can i help you?"</p><p>renjun's movie in his mind stopped, the reel coming to an end as he blinked. the man had looked up, making eye contact with renjun in confusion. renjun felt his heartbeat speed up, hands becoming sweaty as he tried to form words, the butterflies in his stomach were fluttering at the speed of a hurricane.</p><p>"i-i'm renjun. huang renjun." he managed to stutter out, voice soft and hesitant.</p><p>"lee jeno." jeno, his soulmate's name was jeno. he had given his name with a sense of apprehension as he stared at renjun behind his glasses, no recognition in his eyes. there didn't seem to be anything clicking for him, no acknowledgement that they were tied together by the fate of the universe. or at least by a thin red thread on their pinkies. "did you need something?"</p><p>"well, i just, we're-" renjun started, unfamiliar shyness taking over as he began stumbling over his words. jeno leaned back in his chair, arms crossed as he let out a sigh and quirked an eyebrow. renjun felt himself shrink under the scrutiny of his gaze, freezing up as jeno narrowed his eyes.</p><p>"if you don't need anything can you please leave me alone? i was trying to study before you came over."</p><p>"do you, do you really not feel anything?"</p><p>it was meek, barely coming out as a whisper as renjun held his hands together to stop the trembling as his eyes focused on the red string on his pinky. he wasn't imagining it. he knows he wasn't. the red string was brighter than it had ever been, not disappearing no matter how much he blinked.</p><p>"tired perhaps." jeno replied, taking off his glasses to rub the bridge of his nose. renjun felt a soft tug on his finger but it seemed like jeno felt nothing at all, the motion unrestricted as it pulled renjun just a step closer to the table. </p><p>"not love?" renjun had meant for that statement to be just a thought, a confused notion different from what he had always been told about soulmate meetings. he hadn't realized it came out until jeno made a whine of confusion, locking eyes with renjun before shaking his head.</p><p>"why would i love you?"</p><p>renjun hadn't experienced an asthma attack since he was a child, growing out of it as he attended dance lessons with sicheng. yet there was a familiar tightness in his chest, constricting and painful as it had him wanting to fall onto his knees in agony. his breath hitched in his throat as he quickly tore his gaze away from jeno, directing it towards his feet instead.</p><p>it felt like being stabbed in the heart but with not enough mercy to end his suffering quickly. something fundamental felt like it had snapped within him, like a part of renjun had suddenly decided that it no longer belonged with him and left him without a word or warning. the question kept ringing in his ears, the words echoing in the dark caverns of renjun's mind.</p><p>why would his soulmate be in love with him?</p><p>"is this some prank jaemin set you up to? listen, if he said anything weird to you i'm sorry about him."</p><p>"no, sorry, i must have been mistaken. midterms are getting to me, you know how it is. scatterbrained." renjun rambled with a forced chuckle, lightly tapping his temple with the heel of his palm, looking back up at jeno as he took a step back from his table. "i'll leave you to it then, sorry for the interruption."</p><p>with a shaky breath, he managed to shoot jeno a watery smile before turning around and making his way through the doors leading out of the library. once renjun was outside, he made a break for his apartment, ignoring the pain bubbling in his chest. everything became a haze, blurry and unrefined. he hadn't even realized he had made it home until he heard donghyuck's voice.</p><p>"renjun, are you crying? what happened?"</p><p>so that was why everything was blurry. renjun brought his hand up to his face, feeling the wetness on his cheeks as he looked at his roommate in the living room. his legs gave out under him as he hell into donghyuck's arms, the only force keeping him from collapsing onto the ground as his tears continued to flow.</p><p>how cruel was fate to give him a soulmate who didn't love him back?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>the sound of the clock ticking away was the only sound that renjun could register as his thoughts drowned out his senses.</p><p>laying under the heavy weight of his blankets, renjun felt numb as he turned over onto his back. somehow, donghyuck had believed he had broken down from the stress of midterms, citing understanding and empathy as he helped renjun wash his face and tucked him into bed before leaving him with a glass of water on his bedside. the sobbing had stopped after what seemed like hours, his body entering a state of apathy.</p><p>his entire life, he had dreamed about what meeting his soulmate would have been like, begged his grandmother for just one more story to add to his collection of scenarios on how he might meet his other half. his favorite thought was that they'd find each other by accident, maybe running into each other on the street and realizing they were tied together.</p><p>his soulmate would smile at him like he was the only thing he saw in the world. the immediate connection would just click into place like a missing piece in a puzzle. hands touch, eyes meet, sudden silence, sudden heat. he would feel warm, nothing but happiness bubbling in his chest as they'd introduce themselves to each other. it would be the start of their love story that would end like a disney movie.</p><p>
  <em>why would i love you?</em>
</p><p>renjun's chest constricted as his mind replayed those five words, heart feeling like it was crashing against the walls of it's cage like a wild animal. each time he hears jeno echoing in his mind's cavern, a new wave of pain racks through his body. perhaps he was a masochist, running that phrase over and over again just to hear jeno's voice.</p><p>holding up his hand out from beneath the covers, renjun gazed at his pinky, letting out a sigh once the red string catches his eye. furrowing his brows, renjun brought his hand closer to his face to inspect the end of the thread. despite it being only a few centimetres in length as it slowly faded into an invisible connection, the line was always gradual and tapered, a promise that it continued to lead him to his love. </p><p>but now, his thread was fraying.</p><hr/><p>he'd like to say that he didn't dwell on it but in truth, it was always at the back of his mind, taunting and teasing him for being unwanted by even the person who was meant to love him unconditionally.</p><p>all of his midterm pieces depicted his pain. his yearning for a love that should have been like a stupid hallmark movie but ended in grimes fairy tail. some strokes were violent, moving across the canvas with a strike of red. other's had been gentle, his hands shaking along with the tears that smudged the medium. each portraying a different shard of his shattered dreams. each holding a piece of his heart in all it's vulnerability.</p><p>when donghyuck had asked to see his work, a sharp gasp came from his roommate as he looked over the canvases before renjun left to submit them. there were unspoken questions in the tense air as donghyuck asked him his inspiration.</p><p>"nothing in particular." renjun lied, keeping up airs. "i just watched too many sad movies before working."</p><p>it was a weak excuse but if donghyuck knew something was wrong, he didn't mention it.</p><hr/><p>"do you like this month's care package?"</p><p>"yes, even though i explicitly told you that you didn't need to do this." renjun replied, glaring at kun through the propped up phone as they held their weekly video call. kun let out a hearty laugh in response as sicheng at least had the decency to look sheepish, both smiling happily at renjun as they watched him unpack the box. "seriously, it makes me feel like i'm 14 again and kun would bring me a box of treats from fujian every time he'd come visit."</p><p>"he was trying to win you over." sicheng snorted, resulting in kun pushing him out of frame as he sputtered. "wanted to make sure you liked him after you opened the front door that first time with a bat."</p><p>"i thought it was a robber! who shows up at 3am at someone's front door?"</p><p>"what robber rings the doorbell?"</p><p>"anyways! we got your favorite cookies from that little shop in fujian." kun said, cheeks tinged pink from the embarrassing memories. "they're under the lavender tea."</p><p>"donghyuck really liked the instant noodles you sent over last time. he begged me to ask you guys to send over that giant pack bundle of the different flavors." rolling his eyes, he found the aforementioned bundle and carefully tucked it away into their ramen cabinet. "as if we're not already dying as is, now we're gonna suffer from high sodium." </p><p>"if you need money for real food-"</p><p>"i'm fine, really. you guys do enough as is."</p><p>"we're just saying, you can tell us anything. we're always here for you." sicheng's soft voice carried through the speaker, filling the kitchen with warmth and care. renjun's throat clenched as he swallowed thickly, tears pricking his eyes that he refused to let fall.</p><p>"i know." he managed to choke out as he willed himself not to breakdown.</p><p>"is there something wrong junnie? you've been a little off these past couple weeks."</p><p>is there something wrong? no, nothing was wrong.</p><p>just that renjun had found his soulmate after 20 years of life, many of those having been spent daydreaming of that day, only for every scenario he had conjured to be destroyed right in front of him. he had fallen in love at first sight, as quick as everyone describes just like magic, memorizing every feature of his soulmate from a short encounter. or the fact that he has been crying himself to sleep half the week, replaying jeno saying five words that held the weight of the world on renjun's heart just to hear his voice.</p><p>one encounter, five words, a confused apprehensive stare, a soulmate who doesn't love him back.</p><p>no, nothing was wrong.</p><p>"i just miss you guys."</p><p>no.</p><p>"we miss you too. we love you junnie." love. even hearing that wrong made renjun's heart clench in agony and want. something he couldn't have. love.</p><p>everything.</p><p>"i love you too."</p><p>everything, everything was wrong.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"i'm not fucking putting that on."</p><p>"you have to! i'm meg, mark is hercules, you have to be a muse!"</p><p>"why the hell are we even going as a trio?" renjun asked, costume being unceremoniously thrown at him as he's demanded to strip and change into the bed sheet like fabric that was thrust at him. "and why a muse?"</p><p>"would you have preferred being phil? or pegasus?" donghyuck retorted, helping renjun situate the chiton around his shoulders (not a toga, renjun corrected, this isn't rome). forcing a gold arm cuff onto him, donghyuck went to work on his face with light makeup. "we thought of going as mulan and shang but felt that dressing you up as mushu might come off a little too racist."</p><p>"so instead, you want me to stand behind you at a party i don't even want to go to, singing about your love for each other?"</p><p>"exactly." donghyuck smiled, pulling back as he inspected his quick work. renjun attempted to close the slit that showed off his leg but had his hand slapped away. "stop that, you look good."</p><p>"fine, but i'm going as melpomene." renjun sighed, shifting the strap of his costume to fit the muse in mind. "cause this is a greek tragedy."</p><p>"of course you'd know the muses by name."</p><p>"as you should you uncultured swine." before they could begin their normal banter, donghyuck's phone rang, mark on the other end telling them to hurry so that he could actually find a spot near the house instead of a block away. </p><p>somehow, despite renjun's better judgement and kun's speeches about teenagers and their "ragers", renjun found himself in the thick haze of a university halloween party. if only kun knew, renjun's sure he'd end up having a conniption. </p><p>mark, in charge of being the designated driver for the night, watches both donghyuck and renjun's alcohol intake, keeping count over how many solo cups of mystery drink they've downed. with alcohol pumping through his system, renjun feels lighter than he had been in the past week, dancing on the makeshift dance floor with donghyuck before they were both pulled away by mark who said they were getting too much unwanted attention. renjun's unsure how many shots he's taken or how many cups he's drunk, all he knows is that he's having fun and needs to serenade the couple that dragged him here.</p><p>"who d'you think you're kidding? he's the earth and heaven to you, try to keep it hidden. honey we can see right through you-"</p><p>"alright melpomene, i'm cutting you off for the night." mark concluded, separating renjun from his cup. whining, renjun attempted to reach up and grab his drink, jumping up in an effort to snatch it back. curse mark and his height. it's not fair that renjun was cursed with a short tiny stature, not when sicheng breaches almost over 6 feet tall.</p><p>"donghyuck, your soulmate is an ass." renjun pouted, latching onto donghyuck's free arm as he moved farther away from mark. </p><p>"yeah mark, what an ass." the double entendre caused mark's face to flush a deep red as donghyuck sent him a teasing smile. "now you look like you've been drinking too babe."</p><p>"maybe i should cut you both off."</p><p>"don't be such a mom. it's halloween!" donghyuck waved off, allowing renjun a sip from his own cup despite mark's weak protests. "let renjun be as messy as he wants before he has to go back to being a struggling tortured artist."</p><p>"that's not very nice hyuckie."</p><p>a new voice broke the trio out of their conversation, renjun leaned against donghyuck's arm to try and keep balance as he swiveled his head to register who had just spoken, the quick motion making it feel like his brain had turned to mush.</p><p>"are you a magician?"</p><p>"i-what no. i'm kaito kid."</p><p>"looks like a phony magician." renjun hummed, knowing that if he was sober, these thoughts wouldn't have left his mouth. donghyuck laughed, jostling renjun who was attached to his arm like a koala, almost spilling the mystery drink.</p><p>"jaemin, this is renjun. renjun, this is the coffee demon."</p><p>"the one who doesn't love his soulmate?" renjun asked back, tilting his head to the side quizzically as he attempted to get his fuzzy eye sight to focus like a bad camera. jaemin sputtered as his head snapped to donghyuck, eyes narrowing in faux anger. or maybe it's real anger, renjun's not really sure, he's not even sure if he has 10 fingers anymore.</p><p>"what have you been telling people?"</p><p>"nothing but the truth. no one loves their soulmate when they're trying to drink themselves to an early grave from a caffeine overdose." donghyuck sniffed, tilting his chin up in defiance.</p><p>"babe." mark sighed, attempting to snatch the cup out of renjun's grip again. renjun let out another whine as he played a weak game of tug-a-war with mark, deciding to fall into mark's arms instead of allowing him to steal his drink. "be nice to jaemin."</p><p>"not until he stops drinking straight battery acid."</p><p>"and if i don't?"</p><p>"see you in hell, na."</p><p>"why is jaemin ending up in hell?" </p><p>renjun felt like a bucked of ice water had just been thrown over him with how quickly he sobered up, system going into a state of quick shock before rebooting. he slowly swayed out of mark's arms, allowing the cup to finally be taken from him as he takes in the new addition to the conversation.</p><p>"jeno, hyuck is bullying me again." jaemin whined, pulling on his arm as a pirate jeno let out a soft chuckle. jeno softly pet jaemin's head in an effort to placate him, tugging renjun forward slightly like a puppeteer. mark's hand reached out for renjun's arm, probably thinking renjun was too drunk to keep himself upright.</p><p>"maybe you should listen to him." jeno retorted which resulted in jaemin to let out another whine as donghyuck let out a cry of victory. this only set jaemin off further, turning to donghyuck to continue defending his coffee intake but renjun couldn't get himself to tear his gaze away from jeno.</p><p>enamored.</p><p>that was how jeno looked at jaemin, gaze filled with nothing but adoration. face softened once jaemin had turned away from him, holding a tenderness that cut through renjun. a small smile had found it's way naturally to jeno's lips, eyes twinkling with amusement. it was a gaze that confirmed every fear renjun didn't know he had.</p><p>jeno was in love.</p><p>jeno was in love, just not with him.</p><p>"-jun. renjun." shaking his head, renjun turned his head to mark who's eyebrows were furrowed in concern. "are you okay?"</p><p>"yeah, yeah sorry. just really drunk." renjun smiled, patting mark's hand that was still placed lightly on his bicep. mark let out an ugly snort that caught everyone's attention, causing him to flush. "classy."</p><p>"do i know you from somewhere?" jeno asked, attention ripped away from jaemin and onto renjun. jeno's eyes narrowed slightly, taking in renjun's face with newfound concentration.</p><p>he was as handsome as renjun remembered from their one meeting, the intense gaze making renjun's knees want to buckle as his breath hitched in his throat. the all black ensemble he had on with his hair pushed back away from his face made him look intimidating. dangly earrings drawing attention to his neck which had renjun focusing on the skin exposed from the loose top before refocusing on his eyes, no longer obstructed by thick glasses. even in the thick miasma of the college party, jeno was beautiful.</p><p>"um, no?" renjun tried, tone flicking up in more of a question than he intended.</p><p>"no, i know you from somewhere." jeno said, eyebrows furrowing as his lips fell into a thin line. after a few excruciating seconds, jeno's face melted into excitement as he snapped his fingers. "the library! during midterms remember. huang renjun right?"</p><p>if the underworld was real, renjun prayed that the floor would open up and drop him right in front of hades himself. maybe into the mouth of one of cerberus's heads. he'd happily welcome death right now, it'd be far less painful than having 3 curious pairs of eyes turn to renjun as jeno was about to expose their first encounter.</p><p>"oh right, the library. yep, that's me, huang renjun." renjun smiled tensely, hands finding each other as he absentmindedly rubbed his pinky. he forced his eyes not to look anywhere but jeno's face, not wanting to see the red string shining brightly even in the dingy lighting of the house party. "sorry about that day, i was kind of losing it. really delusional and on who knows how many cans of red bull."</p><p>"don't worry, i get it. sorry about being so rude that day, i was just really stressed over my ethics exam the next day." jeno said, a flush making it's way up his neck as he offered a smile. if renjun hadn't already been in love, seeing jeno's eyes scrunch up into small crescent moons and a pretty grin playing on his lips definitely had him falling.</p><p>"great, lovely apologies, truly touching. now does anyone want to let me in on the joke?" donghyuck demanded, pressing himself against the side of renjun mark wasn't supporting.</p><p>jeno let out a chuckle that bordered on soft and awkward as he rubbed the back of his neck. if zeus struck him down right now, renjun would probably thank him. "so i was studying in the library when renjun comes up to me and introduces himself. i was already really confused then all of a sudden he asks me if i'm in love with him. i really thought jaemin was pulling a prank on me that night, have a random stranger confess his love to me."</p><p>"you think i'd do that to you?" jaemin yelped indignantly, smacking jeno's arm causing the pair to squabble. it at least took jeno's attention away from him as renjun attempted to keep his breathing calm and exterior image unbothered. as he watched the pair play fighting, the fond look on jeno's face making a reappearance, renjun bit his lip as he felt something clench in his chest and a stinging in his eyes.</p><p>"thinking about it now, it really was pretty funny since it came out of nowhere." jeno laughed, turning to renjun as he flashed another award winning smile. renjun smiled back, letting out a choked chuckle that sounded more reminiscent of a strangled goat. jeno's attention was captured by jaemin once again, demanding to know if jeno truly thought that he could be so cruel as to goad someone into confessing to him. the moment and gazes between them seemed too intimate for a college party where people were drunkenly making out against the wall or puking behind the closed door feet away.</p><p>warmth pulled his hands apart, no longer allowing him to subconsciously rub his pinky raw. renjun vision flickered down, seeing fingers intertwined before locking eyes with donghyuck, a silent promise to speak later evident in his gaze.</p><p>"can we go home?" renjun softly pleaded, knowing it would be better to get this conversation out of the way as early as possible.</p><p>it was going to be a long night and renjun hopes he doesn't remember it in the morning, dionysus have pity on his drunk soul.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>renjun's not really sure what happens after he asked to go home, his vision going in and out, swirling in slow motion like that casino scene in the bad movie rendition of percy jackson. he's sure there are goodbyes and farewells exchanged, somehow they make it to mark's car and back home without any accidents, he's changed out of his costume and huddles onto the couch with a cup of his favorite tea when he comes to.</p><p>"so, spill."</p><p>"hyuck, maybe not the best approach."</p><p>"i just want to know what's going on!"</p><p>"maybe don't approach it like a high school drama show. what if he doesn't want to-"</p><p>"have you ever heard of one-sided soulmates?" it came out faint, barely breaching a whisper but the question was enough to catch the couple's attention. renjun's hands gripped the cup in his hands, keeping them from trembling as he stared into it's contents. "a soulmate who can see and feel everything but one who never even fell in love with them?"</p><p>"no, i haven't. renjun, what're you saying?" donghyuck replied, voice softer than before.</p><p>"it's just funny, you know? you're told that the second you see your soulmate, you'll know. you'll both fall in love in an instant without even questioning why you're tied together by a thread, you'll learn along the way. so i did just that, i fell in love in an instant without even meaning to, without even wondering if he was really the one." renjun rambled, letting out short breathy laughs that made them flinch beside him. renjun's grip on the mug turned vice, knuckled turning white. "that's what's supposed to happen. so why didn't it happen with him?"</p><p>"so, you're saying that jeno is your soulmate. and that's why you asked him when you first met him if he was in love with you."</p><p>"i know it's him. i see our pinkies being connected. i'm not crazy, i'm not making it up, it's there. but why can't he see it too?" a gentle hand pried the mug from renjun, placing it gently on the coffee table as renjun just sat still, hands staying in the same position. the red thread adorning his pinky mocked him, laying against the black fabric of his sweatpants.</p><p>"maybe jeno's just a late bloomer, he can't see the string yet. i've heard a story about a 30 year old man not knowing he had already met his soulmate because he wasn't able to see the thread until that year." donghyuck's voice flitted with hope but there was an edge to it that gave away he wasn't even convinced by his own logic.</p><p>"you saw it too didn't you? you have to be blind not to really. how he looks at jaemin."</p><p>"that could mean anything."</p><p>"he looks at him like how mark looks at you." the smile he lets grace his features was somber, barely reaching his eyes as he turned to the couple sitting next to him. "it's full of adoration. like he knows that you're all he'll ever want in life and he can't believe he actually has it. it's beautiful, really. it's everything i've ever wished for, ever wanted. for someone to look at me and you just know, just from a look, you know they're in love with me."</p><p>mark and donghyuck sat silent, listening to him ramble and vent without taking a breath, spirit broken and voice strained. donghyuck had pulled renjun into his arms, resting their heads on top of one another. mark had taken to holding his hands, renjun not even realizing they had been shaking violently until he had someone was grounding him.</p><p>"you know, i wrote in this journal ever since i almost ran into him the first time on campus. every time i felt a pull or saw the thread get longer or when i just wanted him by my side. i was so happy just knowing i was near him and i didn't want to forget any moment. wrote all of it down so when we finally met, i'd be able to share it all with my soulmate. it's pretty stupid, huh."</p><p>"no jun, it's not stupid." donghyuck mumbled into his hair, hugging him tighter. "it's not stupid at all."</p><p>"so what happens now?" it was a question barely above a whisper but the implications it held rang loud. "what happens when your soulmate falls in love with someone else?"</p><p>no one said anything, just allowing the question to settle. renjun had thought about a lot since the first meeting. wondered why jeno hadn't felt anything, how he would react if he saw him again, if he'd ever tell sicheng and kun. but none of the questions he had pondered alone in bed had been what he should do in this exact situation. "when are you gonna tell him?"</p><p>"what?" renjun asked, eyebrows coming together in confusion.</p><p>"when are you going to tell jeno you're soulmates?" donghyuck asked again, rephrasing the question for clarity. renjun lifted his head from his shoulder, turning to donghyuck and then mark, both looking at him expectantly.</p><p>"never. i'm not telling him."</p><p>"what?" donghyuck exclaimed, eyes widening and expression absolutely stricken. mark let go of renjun's hands, moving over to calm down his own soulmate, leaving the left side of renjun now empty. "what did you say?"</p><p>"i'm never telling him. and neither are you two."</p><p>"why not?"</p><p>"he's in love with someone else, why would i get involved?" renjun asked back, frazzled by how horrified donghyuck looked, even mark at a lesser degree looked frightened by renjun's declaration. what, was he the only one with his head on straight? "i'm just not going to tell him ever. i don't want to ruin that for him."</p><p>"but renjun, you're his soulmate."</p><p>"exactly, and as his soulmate, i just want whatever makes him happy. even if that means watching him fall in love with someone else." it was a foolhardy statement, his heart reminding him how ridiculous he sounds as it clenched at the idea of jeno ending up with anyone else. but then it found peace, understanding that it was in his soulmate's best interest as it relaxed, the painful concept leaving only a numbing sting. "even if i can't have his love, i hope he finds his own."</p><p>"that doesn't make any sense. renjun-" donghyuck's attempts at arguing were halted by mark squeezing his hand. he turned his head towards his soulmate, locking eyes as the pair having a silent conversation before he let out a shaky sigh. "okay, fine, we won't tell him. whatever, i still think you're crazy though, for the record."</p><p>"of course you do." rolling his eyes, renjun couldn't tamper down the smile that threatened to appear. leave it to donghyuck to insult him while supporting him.</p><p>"we might not understand but we're here for you, i hope you know that."</p><p>"thank you both for dealing with me. bet this isn't what you signed up for when you got a new roommate." renjun joked, letting out a self-deprecating laugh as he rubbed at his cheek with the back of his sweater sleeve. "i'm really sorry this is what you got. you got the short end of the stick it seems."</p><p>"hey renjun?"</p><p>"yeah?"</p><p>"it's okay to cry you know. you've got shoulders to cry on here."</p><p>"four to be exact." mark interjected causing renjun to let out a bewildered laugh before he felt the welling in his eyes begin.</p><p>all at once renjun's walls crumbled down, everything he had held in until this moment finally coming to a head. he let out an ugly wail between choked sobs as the tears began falling in quick succession. renjun felt himself pulled forward as donghyuck whispered soft comforts into his neck as mark rubbed his back, warmth enveloping him for the first time in what felt like centuries.</p><p>maybe he'll be okay, just maybe.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i swear there's fluff coming next chapter as compensation for all the angst. i hope you guys are enjoying the story so far. this has been the longest story i've ever written so i'm not sure on the pacing.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>what happens if your soulmate doesn't like you back?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>can soulmate bonds be one sided?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>was rasputin actually an evil warlock trying to infiltrate the romanov family or was it just in the movie anastasia?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>one-sided soulmate thread</em>
</p><p>renjun's search history was becoming an even more concerning trait to his growing list of concerning features. ever since last weeks embarrassing halloween breakdown, he'd been researching throughout the web if there were any others like him. someone who could give advice on how to win over his soulmate or tell him to simply give up, change his name, move countries, and become a sheep farmer in nova scotia.</p><p>so far his searches have sent him down forums of people attempting to find their soulmates, happy ending stories of those who thought they didn't have one but found them years later serendipitously, or cynical beings who want to revolt against fate and carve their own futures with someone who has a different soulmate. nothing in particular being able to help him through his own troubles. maybe he should ask donghyuck for his help, knowing how often his roommate stayed up browsing through the depths of reddit for no other reason than leisure and an avid want to ignore every and all forms of responsibility.</p><p>but donghyuck had only just stopped looking at renjun without a flash of pity showing in his eyes and renjun wasn't very keen on bringing that back. mark and donghyuck had been good at treating renjun like he wasn't a broken defect of the universe's creation but it didn't stop renjun from wondering if that's how they saw him. </p><p>"what do you recommend?" jolting, renjun whipped his head in the direction of the voice, coming in close proximity to jeno's face beside him. jeno leaned back, rubbing the back of his neck as his cheeks flushed a pretty pink. "sorry, i didn't mean to scare you. should have probably said hi first."</p><p>"it's alright." renjun stuttered out, eyes still wide from shock and surprise as jeno stood beside him in the coffee line he had been queuing in while doing his research. "um, hi."</p><p>"hi." jeno smiled, disarming renjun once again with the way his eyes curved behind his glasses and the scrunch of his nose as his lips curled up. "so, what do you recommend from here?"</p><p>"well, that's assuming i come here often."</p><p>"do you?"</p><p>"yes." renjun admitted, turning his focus to the menu board hanging above the counter. "i like the green tea here."</p><p>"green tea." jeno hummed crossing his arms in contemplation, pulling renjun's hand along with just a fraction of a millimetre. "much different than jaemin trying to convince me to drink straight shots of espresso."</p><p>"i prefer not vibrating like a sentient massage chair." renjun commented before he was called up to order. "hi, can i get a large green tea."</p><p>"make that two." jeno said, causing renjun to look over his shoulder only to catch an extended arm holding out a card to the cashier. looking down at renjun, jeno flashed another smile as renjun sputtered at the intrusion. "my treat."</p><p>"i can't let you do that." renjun protested, attempting to turn back to the cashier to argue against this transaction.</p><p>"oops, look my card's in and there's the receipt. too late it seems." jeno replied, sending a smile to the cashier who handed both object to him and motioned to the order pick-up station. shuffling renjun over, jeno didn't seem at all phased by the glare he was being sent. "don't look at me like that, i'm trying to win you over."</p><p>win him over. that simple statement brought a flutter of hope in renjun's stomach that he quickly expunged. don't get over zealous renjun, it'll do you no good. "win me over?"</p><p>"win your friendship." jeno clarified, sending a quick thanks to the barista handing him their drinks. handing one over to renjun, he clinked the cups together as they moved out of the way for the next patron. "you're friends with donghyuck which means we'll be seeing each other a lot."</p><p>"what do you mean?"</p><p>"i'm surprised we've never run into each other before actually." jeno commented, not answering renjun's answer immediately. "donghyuck, jaemin, and i are childhood best friends, went to high school together and thought it'd be a great idea to go to university together. can neither confirm nor deny that that was a good idea in the end. but i guess donghyuck was just hiding you away for himself."</p><p>thanks for the warning donghyuck, much appreciated.</p><p>"so, you think my friendship can be bought?"</p><p>"well, is it working?"</p><p>"yes, but i'm much more expensive than a single cup of tea." renjun huffed, taking a sip as he stared at jeno who motioned to a table in the corner of the shop. he had only planned to stay long enough to get his tea and then he was going to hole himself up in the studio again but looking at jeno's bright eyes broke down any resolve he had of leaving.</p><p>"i really do want to apologize for the first time we met, i must have seemed like an asshole."</p><p>"and i must have come off crazy. it's okay, let's just forget about that time." renjun waved off and then flinched. "and the second, i was so drunk, please forget that."</p><p>"alright." jeno said as they sat down across from each other, holding his hand out across the table. "so let's start over. hi, my name's lee jeno. i'm a pre-law major and i really like cats."</p><p>"huang renjun." taking jeno's hand, renjun let a small smile grace his features. "art major and i really like-"</p><p>you.</p><p>"sheep. i really like sheep."</p><p>"sheep?" jeno asked, eyebrows raising up, hidden behind his fringe.</p><p>"yeah, been thinking about moving to nova scotia." renjun joked. "join their sheep herding society. what do you think?"</p>
<hr/><p>november 5th</p><p>renjun said he would stop writing in this journal but maybe he's attached to it as he is to him, to jeno, to his soulmate. perhaps renjun's a hopeless romantic holding out for a happy ending. or perhaps he's foolhardy and doesn't know how to stop himself.</p><p>had a coffee date, well not a date, but how renjun wished it were a date.</p><p>they spent the afternoon together, just getting to know each other. it felt like talking to an old friend, awkward tension not lasting long as they fell into a comfortable rhythm. jeno tells lame jokes but still manages to make renjun laugh. renjun threatens him but all he gets in return is one of those blinding smiles. </p><p>maybe it's self-sabotage, self-destructive, being so close to someone you know you can't have but know should be your's. </p><p>but even if it's just this far, renjun will accept it. he'll find satisfaction in just this if this is as much as jeno can give. just friends.</p><p>that would be enough.</p><p>note to self: cancel that informational meeting with the representative for the sheep herding society of nova scotia.</p><p>note note to self: rasputin was in fact not an evil warlock, but also rewatch anastasia, it's been a while.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>some fluff before the angst settles back in, might give you whiplash.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"why didn't you tell me you were best friends with jeno?"</p><p>"to be fair, i didn't know he was your soulmate till a week ago."</p><p>"okay, but after you found out. a warning would have been nice!" running a hand down his face, renjun let out an exasperated sigh as donghyuck simply continued to slurp on his noodles. the sound of the alien documentary he had put on drowned out by his thoughts. "i had to find out by running into him at the coffee shop down the street."</p><p>"yeah i heard." donghyuck mumbled over a mouth full of noodle. scrunching his nose, renjun threw a napkin at his face as he finished chewing. "he texted me after and asked me why i was hiding you."</p><p>"he asked about me?" renjun hated the hope and desperation that seeped through the question, quickly tapering down the butterflies starting in his stomach. no, bad renjun.</p><p>"yeah, said he was gonna replace me with you. rude asshole." scoffing, donghyuck finally set down his finished bowl and leaned into the back of the couch. "i'm an absolute delight. he should be thankful i grace him with my friendship."</p><p>"i'm sure." renjun snorted. "so, why didn't you tell me?"</p><p>"i wasn't sure it was a good idea. you're not weak, i know that. you've put me in enough headlocks to know that." donghyuck confessed, stopping renjun's protests with a pointed glance, turning their bodies towards each other. "but you didn't see yourself cry and breakdown that night. it was scary jun, you looked like you were going to break."</p><p>renjun bit his tongue to stop himself from arguing, knowing that donghyuck wasn't trying to pick a fight. he must have looked horrible, bawling his eyes out, snot coming out of his nose as he fell into mark and donghyuck's opened arms. it was a cathartic moment for him, finally being able to release all the built up tension from his body but for the couple, it must have been scary. watching someone fall apart in front of them isn't usually how you want to spend you halloween.</p><p>"i just wasn't sure if bringing him up would have been a good idea at the time." donghyuck continued, watching renjun's reactions carefully. "but seeing as how you two seem to hit it off, i guess i shouldn't have worried so much."</p><p>hit if off. that's what's supposed to happen with soulmates isn't it, it shouldn't be such a surprise to anyone they got along easily. but then again, soulmates were also supposed to recognize each other so perhaps he and jeno weren't really standard protocol. a question brought itself to the forefront of his mind, something he had thought of during his conversation with jeno.</p><p>"if you've been friends since grade school," renjun started, waiting for donghyuck's acknowledgement before continuing on. "how come you didn't realize how jeno looked at jaemin when i asked?"</p><p>"well, jeno's just always looked at jaemin like that." donghyuck answered, words coming out slow and hesitant as you could see the gears working in his head. "no one ever really thought anything of it, we just all knew that's how jeno was with jaemin. we all knew they weren't soulmates or jaemin would have been screaming it everywhere by now."</p><p>"do you think jaemin knows?"</p><p>"that jeno's in love with him?" the blunt question caused renjun to take a sharp inhale, breath hitching in the back of his throat as his chest constricted that familiar pain before the tension released. donghyuck's eyes wavered, concern flashing quickly before renjun nodded, pressing the conversation forward. "no, i don't think so. jaemin's like a ball of love, he thinks everyone is in love with him and he loves everyone."</p><p>"jeno must be suffering, huh. being in love with someone without them knowing it." renjun whispered, heart yearning and aching for him. it must be hard on jeno, so many years in love with someone who hasn't realized it yet. "that must be a really painful position to be in."</p><p>how long had jeno been in a one sided love if donghyuck had said he'd always stared at jaemin like that? long enough that everyone just expects that loving gaze from jeno when jaemin is in the equation. poor jeno, he doesn't deserve to suffer like that. renjun hopes that he'll find his happiness soon, it's what he deserves. nothing but happiness.</p><p>"yeah jun, yeah i'm sure it is." donghyuck's voice had softened, mellowing out in a demure tone as the statement came out breathy with an edge of exasperation. renjun couldn't make out the emotions swirling in donghyuck's eyes anymore, too complicated and foreign to register. was it concern? no, not just concern, something else as well.</p><p>"hey, hyuck?"</p><p>"yeah?"</p><p>"thanks for worrying about me."</p><p>"yeah yeah, don't get mushy on me now huang." donghyuck scoffed, pushing renjun's shoulder lightly as he turned back towards the television, the tension in the room immediately dissipating. renjun snorted as he rolled his eyes, pushing donghyuck back as they both broke into matching smiles.</p><p>"wouldn't dream of it lee."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>please be nice to renjun, he's just a little stupid and too selfless for his own good.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>there were better ways to spend his friday afternoons than having to argue with the security guard in front of an apartment building that his friend was in fact on the fourth floor and he is not trying to break into anyone's home. stupid mark and his stupid expensive apartment building with the stupid security who's been denying him access to the elevator.</p><p>"sir, i've been telling you, my friend already put in a request to let me into the building." renjun repeated for the umpteenth time, voice edging on exasperation and frustration. "i'm already inside, can i please just take the elevator to the 4th floor, room 417, and go see my friend."</p><p>"and the name of this friend?"</p><p>"mark lee. lee mark." renjun stated, rubbing his eyes to fight back the tension headache building. "whichever way you want to put his name."</p><p>"and you are?"</p><p>"huang renjun. last name huang, first name renjun."</p><p>"and how can i be so sure that's you?"</p><p>"i've shown you three different IDs already." he's so close to screaming, yelling at the security guard asking what his problem was. he's seen a number of people pass by him since he's been under this faux investigation and not once has the security guard stopped anyone else. "you won't let me take out my phone to call mark so what more do you want from me?"</p><p>"renjun, there you are!"</p><p>the voice itself didn't spark any memories for renjun, unable to place the owner until he turned around and saw the wide smile. outside of the thick haze of a stranger's house, he was even more handsome than renjun's drunken mind remembered. "jaemin, hey."</p><p>"we've been looking for you, mark's been waiting ages." jaemin said, shooting a glance at the security guard that had taken a step back. donghyuck hadn't said anything about jaemin for tonight's gathering but he wouldn't put it past hyuck for a surprise. renjun let out a meek apology as he quickly looked at the guard out of the corner of his eye, image getting smaller by the second. "is there an issue here?"</p><p>"no, no issue. have a nice night." and just like that, the guard left quickly, not even glancing back to catch renjun's glare as jaemin called for the elevator.</p><p>"thanks for coming to get me." renjun commented once the elevator doors closed and started their short journey to the 4th floor. . "sorry if i kept you guys waiting."</p><p>"oh i have no idea if they're waiting or not." jaemin replied, flashing another wide smile as renjun quirked an eyebrow. "i actually just live on the same floor as mark."</p><p>"what, then how? why?"</p><p>"i overheard the guard giving you a hard time and you looked uncomfortable and frustrated. i just felt like i needed to get you out of that situation as fast as possible." the reason was so simple yet the way jaemin said it made renjun's chest fill with warmth.</p><p>"so do you actually remember me from-"</p><p>"from the halloween party? how could i forget the guy who called me a phony magician?" his tone was teasing, holding no malice or seriousness, but it still had heat travelling to renjun's cheeks as he flushed. jaemin simply laughed as renjun ducked his head low into his hoodie. "hyuck also said you were his roommate. i think it's a bit of a crime for him to not introduce us."</p><p>"are you gonna call the cops on him?"</p><p>"absolutely not, fuck the police."</p><p>the elevator doors opened with a ding, signifying their arrival. making their way down the hallway, renjun let out a soft hum. "thank you for helping me back there, you really didn't have to do that."</p><p>"and let you fight with that asshole all night, no thanks."</p><p>"i owe you one."</p><p>"it's not that big of a deal, really." jaemin replied, immediately waving the offer off. </p><p>"you saved me another half hour of arguing with him." when jaemin meant on the same floor, he definitely meant it, stopping right in front of the door adjacent to mark's apartment. renjun knocked on the door, waiting for someone to open it. "i mean it, i owe you one."</p><p>"you're not going to back down are you?" </p><p>"not a chance." renjun affirmed, sending his own smile jaemin's way as he watched the him let out a sigh. </p><p>"what took you so long? oh hey jaemin." donghyuck's voice switching from playful annoyance to slight confusion. "were we supposed to have star wars night today and i forgot about it?"</p><p>"no that's next week. renjun ran into an issue with the guard so i helped him out." jaemin explained.</p><p>"white knight na back at it again."</p><p>"always at your service." jaemin chuckled, giving a short two finger salute before opening the door to his apartment. "i'll see you guys later. renjun, don't be a stranger."</p><p>"yeah, see you jaemin."</p><p>even though the interaction was short, barely spanning 10 minutes, renjun confidently could come to a conclusion. oblivious as he may be to jeno's affections, if jaemin was the person he would have to give his soulmate up to, he would be thankful they would be taken care of. if he lost to jaemin, it was an honourable defeat. </p><p>he would yield without any regrets.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"so what i'm hearing is that we're being replaced by younger men."</p><p>"no, you're still my emotional support qian kun."</p><p>"wow and what about me? your actual brother?"</p><p>"i'm replacing you with mark." renjun deadpanned into the camera as he maneuvered around the aisles of the grocery store with his buggy, phone propped up on the children's seat to keep his hands free. </p><p>sicheng let out a indignant squeak in reply, sputtering in denial. "what does mark have that i don't?"</p><p>"he's not clingy."</p><p>"i am <em>not</em> clingy!" the loud exclamation caused renjun to wince, sound projecting out of his earphones straight into his eardrums at full volume. "kun, tell him i'm not clingy."</p><p>"i would honey, but you've been laying on top of me for the past three hours and haven't let me move since." kun replied, petting sicheng's hair to placate him after sicheng let out another disgruntled grunt. "you're a little clingy."</p><p>"a little? you text me every morning on the hour if i've eaten breakfast. and make me send you pictures of my outfit every day so you can correlate it with the weather in korea to see if i'm layered up enough. <em>and</em> make me text you every time i go to the studio and when i get back from it."</p><p>"all out of love and concern!" sicheng exclaimed, spiking the audio in renjun's ears again. renjun wrinkled his nose as he turned away from the camera briefly to look at the shelves in front of him. "what if you forget breakfast? it's the most important meal of the day!"</p><p>"and i've told you that i believe that phrase is a farce created by breakfast companies in order to sell their products." pointing his chosen box of cereal back at the camera in an accusatory gesture. "but i do it for you."</p><p>"that one's nothing but sugar!"</p><p>"gives me energy in the morning."</p><p>despite the complaints and disagreements from the couple to eat healthier, renjun chucked the cereal box into the cart and moved on through the aisles, redirecting the conversation back to the original topic to avoid the scolding. "you should come visit sometime. dejun texted me earlier complaining about being in the same country but not seeing him yet."</p><p>"that sounds like a you problem." sicheng replied petulantly, letting out another huff before his features melted away into it's usual serene nature. renjun let out a mental chuckle, knowing his brother could never stay mad at him for long. "i have missed him since he moved to korea. we already didn't see him much when he was in china cause he was so far away from us. he doesn't even check in as much as you do."</p><p>"you say that like i have a choice and it's voluntary. but, well when you have two soulmates, you tend to be a little scatterbrained. you know how yukhei and kunheng are, they drive dejun a little insane. they're still groveling at his feet right now for ruining his scripts with dragon fruit dye."</p><p>"still, he should check in more. it's like he doesn't want to be apart of the family anymore."</p><p>"you say that but the second he does come home, no one gives him a moment to breath." renjun reminded, shooting a pointed look directly at kun. "you, especially are the worst and he's not even your cousin."</p><p>"you know how i am." defending himself with the simple statement because renjun did in fact know how kun was. </p><p>"i'll probably try seeing him next week so he'll stop yelling at me about how it's a hate crime to not see him." trekking down another aisle as he finally found the pasta section. scanning the shelves, he finally found the specific noodles that he needed for dinner on the very top shelf. "oh fuck me."</p><p>"language!"</p><p>"i'm 20!"</p><p>"what's the problem?" sicheng asked, not wanting the age old argument spark up again.</p><p>"i found what i needed but it's on the top shelf." scrunching his nose, renjun glared at the offending box, willing it to fall on it's own. nothing. it still stood there proudly mocking him, insulting his height. "how acceptable is it to climb shelves to grab something."</p><p>"two."</p><p>"two what?"</p><p>"two."</p><p>"understood." renjun replied, settling for reaching up as much as he could from the linoleum covered ground, perching up on the tips of his toes to attempt to grab the box. he braced one hand against a shelf for stability, his fingers just grazing the box only just to push it further back. "god fucking damn it."</p><p>well, kun couldn't exactly see him from this angle. would he really know if renjun climbed up the shelf to get the box? probably, kun always knew. kun always somehow knew like a freaky superpower the universe graced him with. just as renjun was about to give up and tell donghyuck they were just having air for dinner, a hand that wasn't his own broke through renjun's vision grabbing the box with ease. falling back on his heels, renjun whirled around, eyes narrowed and teeth bared to claim that box as his own and that the stranger could get their own, renjun was met with a humanoid puppy.</p><p>"this your's?" well, the closest equivalent to a humanoid puppy as you could get. renjun stared at jeno's smiling face, taking a second to blind owlishly before nodding, taking the box from jeno's outstretched hand. "you looked like you were having a hard time."</p><p>"no i wasn't." okay maybe he was, but that wasn't anyone's business but his own. but insinctively, renjun would combat any insinuation and insult against his stature. "and what about it?"</p><p>"nothing, just thought i could lend a hand. my good samaritan act of the day."</p><p>"you know in china if anything happened to me while you were helping, i could sue you for damages?" huang renjun, renjun thought, i'm going to need to have a conversation with you about filtering out your thoughts. inside thoughts are for the inside, what part of that concept don't you understand. </p><p>jeno tilted his head to the side, blinking slowly before letting out a high pitched giggle. renjun could only stare, entranced by the way whiskers show up on the highs of his cheeks as his nose scrunched up. he was thankful jeno was too preoccupied with laughing that he didn't notice renjun blatantly staring at him in the pasta aisle of a supermarket, cheeks probably flush with how quick his heart was beating in his chest. "please don't sue me, i haven't finished law school yet."</p><p>it's just so like renjun to say he was going to sue a future lawyer. why didn't his grandmother ever teach him to hold his tongue and save face. she just had to be indulgent about letting his personality develop, even if it meant he would grow up to be a sarcastic demon with no filter.</p><p>"well, what's in it for me?" renjun, shut up.</p><p>"my undying gratitude for not being sued?"</p><p>"not good enough." i'm begging here, renjun thought, please shut up me.</p><p>"a cup of tea on me?"</p><p>"still trying to buy my friendship?" oh my god renjun please, stop speaking.</p><p>"is it working?"</p><p>"maybe." you've done it renjun, you've passed clown college. congratulations, your oversized shoes and red honky nose will be in the mail next week.</p><p>"any day you want then, just hit me up whenever you want that tea." jeno concluded, beaming at him as if he'd just won the game of a classic looney-tunes argument. taking a step back, jeno offered a small smile as he sent a short wave. "gotta go, i promised my brother i'd be home soon and i'm already an hour late. see you later renjun."</p><p>"see you later jeno." renjun parroted, eyes trained on the red thread shaking on their pinkies as they wave goodbye. his vision never left the thread, even as jeno turned around and quickly made his way out the automated doors with his own small grocery bag hanging from his wrist. he didn't turn away until the thread disappeared from sight, cut by the close of the mechanical doors behind jeno's figure.</p><p>"-jun. renjun, you still there?" sicheng's voice jostled renjun out of his frozen state, moving back to the bar of the cart, finally remembering he had been on call the entire time. the couple had matching confused and curious expressions as renjun lowered the box into the cart. "who was that?"</p><p>"just jeno." he had mentioned jeno in passing, hopefully that would be enough for them to keep from any interrogation.</p><p>"just jeno." kun drawled, implication laced in the two word statement as the tone fell heavy on his name.</p><p>"yeah, just jeno." renjun said evasively, eyes no longer trained on the phone as he began pushing the cart once again. "i'm sure i've talked about him before. he and jaemin are donghyuck's childhood friends."</p><p>"oh that jeno!" sicheng exclaimed, happy in remembering that small detail. "he seems sweet. you need to send us a picture of him later so i can properly judge him."</p><p>"sicheng." letting out a whine, renjun wrinkled his nose as he glanced down at the phone. sicheng was as animated as always when he was excited, body almost vibrating from the energy. kun, however, kun was staring contemplatively at renjun in a way that made it feel like he could see into his soul.</p><p>"yeah jun, he seems sweet. that jeno."</p><p>just this once, he hopes kun doesn't know, doesn't figure it out. he's not ready to face the truth and tell them, not yet. this once renjun hoped, just this one time, he wishes for kun's superpower not to work.</p><p>to the powers that be in the universe, let him keep this secret for just a bit longer.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hey yall, i'm gonna be ia for a hot minute because uni is kicking my ass but i promise i'll update when i can. my professors decided to pile essays and assignments on top of each other and i've never wanted to cry more, even while writing this story. promise i'll be back when i can, xo</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>there was one flaw in jeno's offer of getting tea together, they didn't have each other's numbers and he wasn't about to ask donghyuck for it. not when donghyuck has shifted from side-stepping and veering away from soulmate conversations to teasing renjun over any and everything. though this is the way renjun much rather prefers to live, he wasn't going to give donghyuck anymore cannon fodder.</p><p>so renjun pushed it into the back of his mind, not focusing on the missed opportunity and called someone he did have the number to.</p><p>"baby huang!" renjun heard the loud booming voice before he saw the owner, door being thrown opened a second later before he's enveloped into a bone crushing hug and lifted off the ground.</p><p>"yukhei, you're gonna kill him, put him down."</p><p>feeling the ground beneath his feet again, renjun swayed ever so slightly as he blinked to regain his faded vision. yukhei had a bright smile on his face despite the embarrassed colour in his cheeks, looking between dejun and renjun like a happy puppy. dejun simply rolled his eyes before pulling renjun into his own hug.</p><p>"it's good to see you again." renjun muffled into dejun's shoulder before they broke apart. "where's kunheng?"</p><p>"somewhere causing trouble." dejun replied, scrunching his nose up while pushing renjun inside their apartment.</p><p>"he's at work." yukhei clarified, closing the door behind them as renjun finishes peeling off his shoes. "welcome to the humble abode!"</p><p>"humble my ass." renjun scoffed, looking around the modern apartment in one of the nicest apartment buildings he'd ever seen. the only one that tops this was mark's and that's because his apartment came with a bitchy security guard. "you have a chandelier."</p><p>"kunheng insisted that it was for the feng shui."</p><p>"with how he acts and behaves, i forget that he's a cut-throat corporate official." </p><p>"trust me, i do too." dejun sighs but the dopey smile that takes over his face says enough about how he truly feels about his second soulmate. the trio fill the air with meaningful small talk, catching up on what's happened since they'd last seen each other in china for the lunar festival a year ago. "and i would have my script memorized by now if it wasn't drenched in purple."</p><p>"we said we were sorry." despite yukhei's immense stature and build, the whimper he let out reminded renjun of a puppy who's trying to get out of trouble, pulling large innocent eyes and attempting to look as cute as possible. it made renjun feel like he was committing a sin if he didn't give yukhei what he wanted but deojun obviously didn't have the same moral standings as he pushed his boyfriend away as he finished making their tea.</p><p>"anyways jun, what about you?" dejun redirected, looking back at renjun as he placed the steaming cup in front of him. "how's university here?"</p><p>"it's been good, stressful, but good." renjun started, delving into a full detailed retelling of the past few months with information he couldn't express over texts or calls. it felt good being around family again, his heart feeling lighter, the heavy tension in his stomach slowly subsiding the longer he talked and laughed. "and then mark got his head stuck in the basketball hoop but couldn't get it out so hyuck had to get heavy duty cutters to get him out."</p><p>"from all you've told us so far, a dog chasing after you guys, a basketball post falling down, and mark landing his head directly into the hoop honestly sounds very believable." dejun chuckled. "what's not believable is that you didn't take pictures of it while laughing like the little gremlin you are."</p><p>"oh, you wanna play the short game?"</p><p>"i'm taller than you, gremlin."</p><p>"yeah, with your insoles in."</p><p>"says the-"</p><p>"alright both of you, we get it. you're both short." yukhei interrupted, the statement receiving a harsh flare from both cousins. the next few moments were a blur, renjun's sure he threw something, dejun went flying off the couch and tackled his much heavier boyfriend off his seat onto the ground.</p><p>"take it back!" climbing on top of his boyfriend, dejun grabbed the pillow renjun must have thrown and repeatedly slammed it down onto yukhei. "take it back!"</p><p>"okay, i'm sorry! i'm sorry! you're not short."</p><p>renjun simply laughed as dejun hit him with the pillow one last time before yukhei sat up quickly, grabbing dejun into a hug and falling back onto the ground, refusing to let his struggling boyfriend free. as dejun tried wiggling out of yukhei's grip, renjun felt an all too familiar pang in his chest. one that he had become quite acquainted with over the months. longing and yearning mixed into a dangerous concoction that filled his stomach, making it's way up his lungs and into his throat.</p><p>the scene before him was sickeningly domestic, something he'd usually tease them over to watch them flush in embarrassment. but now, all he wanted was a love like that. and it was so close yet so far out of his reach. he was getting better at tampering down the effect couples had on his psyche, learning to slowly let go of the jealousy and intense feeling of want.</p><p>soon he was going to be able to accept it fully, imagine a life without his soulmate. he's made progress, renjun was sure of it.</p><p>"honeys i'm home!" a load voice boomed from the entrance of the apartment, pulling renjun out of his thoughts and the couple from their makeshift wrestling match. scuffling was heard, something placed on the kitchen table, and foot steps finally making it into the living room all to reveal a slightly disheveled kunheng. "what did i miss?"</p><p>"nothing much." renjun answered, waving from his place on the couch as dejun and yukhei untangled themselves from the floor to give their third soulmate a kiss on the cheek. "gross."</p><p>"watch it renjun, i'll remember this when you finally meet your soulmate." kunheng threatened, pointing a stern finger in his direction before returning the kisses he'd received.</p><p><em>jokes on you</em>, renjun thought, keeping the bitter tone from seeping into his words. he felt himself snort externally but the trouple in the room were too enraptured in each other to pick up on it. renjun gave it a few more minutes before letting out a groan. "he's finally back so can we go out to hotpot now?"</p><p>"forgot he gets grumpy whenever he's hungry." kunheng stage whispered before clapping his hands loudly. "alright, let's go."</p><p>"see this is why you're my least favorite in this relationship."</p><p>"you don't mean that."</p><p>"if you pay for my food i won't." renjun sang, finally pushed himself off the couch. "honestly, you make enough money to pay for this fancy apartment on your own, you could at least pay for your favorite cousin-in-law's food once in a while."</p><p>corralling them towards the front door and out the apartment, kunheng finally found the ability to speak again. "who said you're my favorite?"</p><p>"because i said so."</p><p>"oh, that makes such perfect sense. why didn't i think of that?"</p><p>"exactly, why didn't you-"</p><p>"renjun?" the call of his name made renjun stop his squabbling, turning around confused until he saw a familiar figure and a flash of red.</p><p>"jeno?" sure enough, down the hall in front of a different unit was jeno, one hand propping up the pin pad to get into the apartment, other arm carefully balancing a heavy bag of cat food. </p><p>"hey, i thought i heard your voice. i just wasn't sure it was you." jeno said, letting the pad cover fall back down.</p><p>"you guys go ahead to the car first, i'll be right there." renjun called to the group, waving them off as he walked over towards jeno. dejun lifted one of his impeccably full brows but says nothing else as yukhei agreed loudly as he swung his arm around his shortest soulmate, saying they'd only wait so long before their stomachs would eat itself. "funny seeing you here."</p><p>"well, i live here so it's funnier seeing you here actually." jeno chuckled, shifting the cat food to his other arm, bracing his body weight against the door. "what about you?"</p><p>"i was visiting my cousin, he was the short one, he lives just right down there." haphazardly pointing in the general direction of the apartment he had just come out of, renjun turned back to jeno who was giving him a contemplative look. "what?"</p><p>"nothing." jeno waved off, voice airy and purposeful.</p><p>"no, what?" renjun pressed on, wrinkling his nose slightly at the weak evasion tactic. </p><p>"was that your soulmate?"</p><p>renjun's blood ran cold once those words tumbled out of jeno's mouth. the unclear emotions swirling in jeno's eyes made renjun confused, unsure what he was thinking or meant with that question. but finding out the answers to that wasn't at the forefront of renjun's mind. it was when renjun realized fully, jeno really didn't know. he didn't know they were bound. there would be no reason to ask that question if jeno could see the connecting thread between them. this was truly his fate. of course renjun had always thought this was the case but this was the final piece of evidence he needed to solidify his hypothesis. when renjun didn't answer for a minute, jeno clarified his question further.</p><p>"the one you were teasing earlier."</p><p>"who? kunheng? absolutely not." mock retching, renjun's features scrunched up at the thought. the tension from jeno's body seeped out slowly, shoulders no longer as high as before. "that was my cousin's soulmate."</p><p>"but the other guy-" jeno cocked his head to the side, cogs turning slowly as he scrunched his eyebrows. god was he cute.</p><p>"they're both his soulmates." jeno's eyebrows raised behind his fringe at the information but had no signs of abhorrence or disgust like many who had been confronted with that fact.</p><p>"oh, that's different. different, but amazing for them."</p><p>"you say that but try being around them being all lovey-dovey." renjun lamented, already thinking about the cringe filled dinner he was about to have to endure.</p><p>"but still, it's great to be able to find your soulmate. imagine being able to find two." it was an innocent remark but one that cut into renjun's heart all the same but he had gotten good at smiling and pretending everything was alright. one day he's sure that smile will be genuine.</p><p>"yeah, they're really lucky." renjun said, eyes shifting around anywhere but to jeno's. "anyways, i should let you go in. that bag looks a little heavy."</p><p>"just a bit, but nothing too bad." shifting the bag slightly, renjun could tell that if it had been him, his arm would have broken at the beginning of the conversation. "but my cats are probably hungry so i should go in. and you, should head to dinner, don't want to keep them waiting too long."</p><p>"see you jeno."</p><p>"yeah, see you later renjun."</p><p>as renjun got into the elevator and sent a final waved in jeno's direction, once the doors closed that's when he realized.</p><p>they hadn't gotten each other's numbers again. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i'm so sorry it's been so long. i've been going a little mad with how much coursework i've had this past week and a half. i'm trying to at least update every week from now on. thank you guys for bearing with me if you're still reading this disaster of a story.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"hyuck, have you seen my painting knife?"</p><p>"renjun, i don't even know what that is!"</p><p>"i swear i put it in my kit but i can't find it anywhere." renjun groaned, making his way out of his bedroom, bag slung over his shoulder. quickly going to the kitchen, he grabbed a granola bar from the cabinet and his water bottle before turning towards the living room. "i'll see you later hyu-"</p><p>maybe renjun should have slept a little longer because he swears he's seeing three people in the living room. were there always three donghyucks? they don't look like three donghyucks, it definitely looks like one donghyuck and a jeno and jaemin shaped human next to him. yeah, he should probably lay down, those acrylic fumes are finally getting to him.</p><p>"jeno and jaemin decided to come over today, hope you don't mind." donghyuck confirmed, noticing the confusion in renjun's slack face. okay, so maybe renjun wasn't losing his mind. not yet anyways. he could still go paint today.</p><p>"no, that's fine." renjun said, fumbling with his keys as he slipped his shoes on at the door. if he runs now, maybe they won't say anything to him.</p><p>"are you not staying?" too late. jaemin had his head tilted, hair falling slightly into his eyes as he looked at renjun with a small pout on his lips.</p><p>"i'd love to stay but i really have to get to the studio." renjun answered, words jumbling together as the words tumbled out after he took a glance at his watch. "i'm already late and if i don't get there before noon, my space is gonna be replaced and i really don't want to be painting in the hallway."</p><p>"he's always like this, don't mind him." donghyuck said, waving renjun off as he threw the front door open. "bye jun."</p><p>"bye, gotta go, see you later!"</p><p>by the time renjun managed to drag himself out of the studio, covered in paint and mind muddled with nothing but colour theory, the sun had already set. renjun's body hit the door as he fumbled with the lock, letting himself rest temporarily before falling through the door. he peeled off his shoes at the entrance and dropped his bag off on the dining table top before blindly making his way into the living room, wanting to fall onto the closest soft surface. with all the grace and groan of a baby elephant, renjun flopped down onto the couch face first.</p><p>his head hit a firm yet warm plush surface instead of the couch cushions as he had expected, coming to the conclusion that he probably fell on top of donghyuck. he doesn't remember donghyuck's thighs being like this, more used to a comfortable squish and a squeal from his ticklish roommate. but honestly, renjun's too tired to care about donghyuck's newfound love for the gym, he just wants to lay here and exist before having to act like a human again.</p><p>"jun did you just get home?" donghyuck's voice sounded a lot farther than it should have been, sounding much more forward than from above him. renjun let out a groan of confirmation and continued to shove his cheek further into his thigh, keeping his eyes squeezed shut. donghyuck wasn't stroking his hair and petting his head like he usually would after a hard day at the studio, instead he felt his thigh tense and flex underneath his cheek causing renjun to frown and shift.</p><p>"yeah, you won't believe what happened today." renjun mumbled against fabric. "i found my knife stuck to the canvas i was working on and had to yank it off dry paint so i had to restart my entire project cause of the texture issue."</p><p>"that sucks. it wasn't that long project you've been working on was it?"</p><p>"no, thank god. it was just a piece for colour theory but it was a pain in the ass trying to remix the colours exactly."</p><p>"did you finish it?"</p><p>"not yet, probably tomorrow. maybe never if the ground will finally swallow me whole."</p><p>"that's a mood. hey jun?"</p><p>"yeah?"</p><p>"you gonna get off of jeno or you gonna take a nap right there?"</p><p>renjun's body sounded like a glow stick from the quick jolt he had, neck cracking and head spinning as he finally pried his eyes open. jumping to the unoccupied side of the couch, he took in the scene before him. jaemin and donghyuck were on the floor, back pressed again the coffee table as they played an intense game of mario kart, not taking any mind to the embarrassment that was renjun's life. </p><p>and sure enough, jeno was seated where his human pillow should be, pink flush taking over the pigment in his face all the way to the tips of his ears. the warmth in renjun's own face is a telling sign that he mirrored the blush on his own features. </p><p>god, renjun really wishes the ground would swallow him whole now. </p><p>"i'm so sorry, i thought you were hyuck." renjun managed to stammer out, face burning from embarrassment.</p><p>"it's okay, you sound like you've had a long day." jeno replied, ears still a bright pink. they stared at each other not saying a word for who knows how long until a victorious scream came from donghyuck followed quickly by a groan from jaemin, sounds catching their attention.</p><p>"you cheated!"</p><p>"no i didn't!" donghyuck defended quickly, turning around to finally look at them. "renjun, tell him i didn't cheat."</p><p>"he didn't cheat."</p><p>"well how would you know! you weren't even paying attention to the game!" jaemin whined, huffing as he set down the controller before turning around as well. cocking his head to the side, he looked between renjun and jeno. "why are you guys so red?"</p><p>"it's hot in here." jeno replied quickly.</p><p>"but the ac is on."</p><p>"i had to rub paint off my cheeks so my skin is raw." renjun lied easier than jeno, shooting him a slight glare at his lousy excuse.</p><p>jaemin nodded but continued to stare at jeno. "that doesn't explain you though."</p><p>"shouldn't you be worrying about having to pay for hyuck's dinner? you know how much he eats." that seemed to do the job of redirecting the attention away from him as jaemin let out another groan and flopped his face into the carpet. sneaking a glance at jeno, he saw the same fond look in his eyes that he's seen before. it's a look at keeps him at bay.</p><p>"this is extortion."</p><p>"no, it was a lost bet." donghyuck replied evenly, unbothered by the rolling figure next to him. that pulled another banshee screech from jaemin as he looked up and throw himself onto donghyuck. </p><p>renjun felt a small bump against his shoulder which brought his attention away from the scene before him that was very reminiscent of a scene in his cousin's apartment just a few days ago. turning to the side, renjun raised an eyebrows back at jeno, silently questioning the prompting move.</p><p>"we never did go out for tea." jeno said, though the volume of his statement was at a normal speaking level, it sounded like a whisper as it was drowned out by the screaming in the background.</p><p>"no, we haven't." renjun confirmed, voice lifting at the end in preparation to tease him. "maybe we'd have actually gone for tea if you had given me your number."</p><p>"right." jeno replied after letting out a squeak, the blush creeping back up through the peak of his shirt collar. reaching for his phone, he extended it to renjun who took it gingerly from his hands. "just so we don't miss it again, are you free this sunday?"</p><p>"this sunday? i should be yeah." renjun replied, not looking up as he typed his number into jeno's contacts.</p><p>"then how about sunday at noon. there's this new cafe i've been wanting to try but jaemin won't stray away from starbucks."</p><p>"that's fine with me."</p><p>"it's a date then." jeno solidified as renjun sent himself a text before handing him back his phone. </p><p>"yeah, it's a date."</p><p>renjun's voice got caught in his throat ever so slightly by the casual colloquial statement, he wishes it could be a real date. deep down he knew how much he yearned for it, to have some semblence of a normal soulmate bond. </p><p>but that's all it could be, a wish.  </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>after the first meeting, it became a reoccurring thing, tea time with jeno penciled into his planner every sunday at noon and the occasional random weekday when they're both a little stressed and need something to wind down. they would take turns researching new cafes that would pop up throughout seoul, developing a competition who could find the best cafe. they had even formulated their own scoring system, saved in the journal renjun brought in his bag every time to keep track.</p><p>"it's this cute little cafe just down there." renjun said, pointing straight down as they navigated the streets after exiting the bus. "dejun suggested it after he came over here for an audition, it's called tea cheers."</p><p>after the first run-in in the apartment hallway, jeno had become acquainted with the throuple, knowing them as renjun's cousin and co. anytime renjun would come over to visit, he would make sure to send a text to jeno who had earned a free entry into the home after one meeting with yukhei who decided he wanted to keep him, just in case he wanted to come over as well. </p><p>(<em>"he's not a stray yukhei." dejun reprimanded, smacking the back of his boyfriend's head lightly as he clung onto jeno who was taking this in stride. "we can't just adopt him."</em></p><p>
  <em>"but look at him, he's so cute when he does the thing!" yukhei whined before turning to jeno. "jeno, do the thing."</em>
</p><p><em>jeno tilted his head to the side confused before turning to renjun who simply brought to fingers to the corner of his lips and pulled them up. furrowing his eyebrows for a moment, jeno smiled as instructed which caused yukhei to let out another squeal and pull him in tighter.</em>)</p><p>"i'm sure it's gonna be good." jeno replied, tightening the scarf around his neck as the fall wind was slowly transitioning into a brittle winter gust. "anything would be good in this weather."</p><p>"here it is." renjun sighed, thankful to enter a heated building after a cold bus ride and even colder walk. after settling into the cafe in a corner nook away from the rest of the people with their drinks, renjun finally felt like a functioning human again instead of a rusted robot. "how've classes been?"</p><p>"hell. who told me pre-law was a good idea?" jeno lamented, letting out a groan before taking a sip. </p><p>"well, presumably your lawyer big brother." </p><p>"finals are gonna kill me in a couple weeks. but how are your projects going?"</p><p>"i don't think i have a single unscathed pair of pants anymore." he had spent night after night attempting to get mediums out of the fabric of his pants. be it paint, pastels, or the occasional clay, somehow, there would always be something ruining his clothes by the time renjun dragged himself home. "but they're going well, i think."</p><p>they go back and forth, catching up on what happened in the week as per their routine. it was a part of the week that renjun always looked forward to. just being able to spend time with jeno and tell him about his week made renjun feel like this was normal even with the flash of red that would come into his line of sight more often than not.</p><p>it was getting easier to be near jeno without an ache in his heart, the pain subsiding quickly. it would always be in the back of his mind, a constant reminder and realization of what they were meant to be. but it no longer ruled his thoughts, renjun's mind and body had slowly coming to the acceptance that he longed for. </p><p>he was gonna be alright. this was enough.</p><p>"and then jaemin tried putting the milk before the cereal. that's how finals prep has been going." despite the disgust in his voice from the admittance of jaemin's breakfast sin, the fond glint in jeno's eyes were present like they always were when the topic shifted to jaemin.</p><p>it was a reminder to renjun to know his place, understand where he stands in jeno's life. no more than a friend but it was enough. just having these weekly dates for a few hours was enough to satisfy the hunger for his soulmate that still burned in the back of his heart.</p><p>there was no longer a small jealous ping that would hit whenever he saw them together. the nonchalant flirting that jaemin did extended to anyone he considered a friend, thus, renjun had been on the receiving end of it. renjun could understand why jeno would fall in love with jaemin. jaemin was handsome, that was undeniable, but he was naturally kind with a heart full of love. however, that did not mean renjun wanted to be attacked by kisses every time they came into contact. </p><p>progress, he was making great progress. if he had told sicheng or kun, they would be proud of him. call him a fool, but be proud. </p><p>"so, what's your rating? this beat last week's cafe?"</p><p>"dunno." jeno teased, moving his head around to take in the rest of the cafe as if contemplating his answer. "it gets a four on the aesthetic, could use some nicer lights to bump it up to a five."</p><p>"tea gets a five for me. crisp."</p><p>"agreed. atmosphere is cosy. give it a four."</p><p>"uniqueness is like a two, i feel like we'd be able to find another cafe like this easily."</p><p>"oh definitely." </p><p>"and finally, date test. would you take a date here?" renjun asked, jotting down the scores for this cafe. </p><p>it had been a joke originally, donghyuck running into them during one of their first outings and asking how the date was going. they had both flushed pink before renjun replied that the cafe got a 1 out of 5 on the date scale, not good enough for a real date. it had stuck when they had solidified their decision scale, would the cafe be good enough for a date.</p><p>"yeah, i'd take someone on a date here." jeno concluded as renjun finished up the scoring, flipping through the pages to see where it fell in the rankings.</p><p>"so it got a fifteen with a yes so that makes it-" renjun's words got caught in his throat as he looked back up from his journal only to see jeno staring at him. his head was propped on on his hand, cheek squished into his palm as he watched renjun. a small smile was stretched on his lips with a small twinkle in his eyes. "what?"</p><p>"hmmm." humming, jeno shook his head slightly as he just continued watching renjun.</p><p>"no, what is it?" renjun laughed, throwing a crumpled napkin in jeno's direction that had jeno lean back and swat it away while joining in on that laughter. </p><p>"nothing." jeno answered, between laughing fits. renjun crumpled another napkin and tossed it at him, landing a hit on jeno's nose. "really, it's nothing jun."</p><p>"yeah, sure it is."</p><p>jeno just shrugged, not offering renjun another explanation, simply resuming his previous position before being bombarded with crumpled, recycled and repurposed trees. renjun just rolled his eyes, before getting back to the topic at hand. "anyways, so i think tea cheers lands at fourth place out of the seven cafes we've been to so far."</p><p>"respectable middle of the road placement. seems like today was a success then."</p><p>"to another successful cafe hunt." renjun toasted, bringing his half empty cup up towards jeno. laughing, jeno picked up his own cup, eyes twinkling with mirth as he tapped them together in a toast.</p><p>"to another successful date."</p><p>if renjun's heart skipped a beat, no one needed to know.</p><p>and if the string glowed a little brighter, no one noticed.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i hope my writing isn't getting too repetitive, i swear i'm trying here</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>renjun was sure that at this point, he had more acrylic fumes in his head than actual brain cells. it wasn't a foreign concept to hear that renjun fell asleep in the studio during his slot and whoever was after him felt enough pity and empathy that they just let him sleep as they finished their own projects. at this point, renjun's close to asking sicheng to get him a chiropractor appointment as his christmas present with how often he woke up with a crick in his neck.</p><p>"are you heading back to china for the break?"</p><p>but renjun had one more piece to finish for his winter portfolio and then he was finally done and fly home for winter.</p><p>the only thing keeping him going so far has been knowing that once he's finished, he gets to hop on a flight back to jilin and see his brother and kun. spend christmas eating hotpot as he let himself be babied by the couple and exchange gifts that he had bought that were currently taking space at the bottom of his closet.</p><p>"yep, just gotta buy my ticket later. i can't wait to see my brother again." renjun said before thanking the waiter who had set down their lunch. donghyuck hummed before letting out a disgusted sound as jaemin used his fingers to pick at a part of his dish, smacking his hand to put it down across the table. "what about you guys?"</p><p>"i'm heading back home." jaemin answered, attempting to pick at his food again which resulted with another smack on the hand to release it.</p><p>"use your fork you heathen."</p><p>"but that's not as fun." whining, jaemin still did as told before returning back to the original question. "i miss my parents and they miss me."</p><p>"my parents are flying to spain for christmas so i'll be back at the apartment." donghyuck interjected once jaemin was done. "but i think my brother is coming home from america. you should see him and mark together, he treats mark more like his little brother than me."</p><p>"it's because mark has a sense of embarrassment. you on the other hand, demon child, do not."</p><p>"says you, mister smile my way out of trouble." snorting, donghuck pointed his fork at jeno across the table which was met in response with a jeno noise as they had so coined it. "johnny loves me."</p><p>"i never did ask why he's named johnny?" renjun asked, eyes furrowed as he tried to make sense of the difference in the brothers names.</p><p>"he was born in america during one of the years my parents were there during a business transfer. raised there until he was five and then they came back and had me here." donghyuck explained between bites of his lunch. "he wanted to go to an international school to keep speaking english and then went to america for university. got a really good job in chicago once he graduated so he decided to stay."</p><p>"he's always speaking to mark in english so the rest of us can't understand."</p><p>"speak for yourselves." huffing, donghyuck tilted his chin up in defiance. "rip to you guys but i'm built different."</p><p>"of course you are hyuck." renjun rolled his eyes as he took a bite of his own food before looking at jeno across the table. "what about you?"</p><p>"just me, my brother, and our three cats. parents are going on a cruise to the southern hemisphere cause they can't take another winter."</p><p>once lunch was over, renjun had to head back to the studio to finish his last piece, the trio waving him off to return to he and donghyuck's shared apartment to begin their study group. which in retrospect made no sense to renjun since they're all in different majors, how was jaemin's animal anatomy class going to help jeno's human rights course or donghyuck's biochem lab exam prep. but that was none of his business.</p><p>just as he managed to get the detail of the sun flare down, his hand flinched as the vibrations of his phone rattled against the metal surface of the table it was set on. thankfully the reaction didn't ruin his work but now it had broken his flow. he thought he had turned his phone on do not disturb, the only person who could get through that was his brother.</p><p>"hey, what's up?" renjun answered, setting his phone between the crook of his neck, pressing his ear down to keep it in place. he resumed painting the flares that melded the sun and moon scenes on his canvas. there was silence on the other end for a while, making renjun wonder if it was a simple miss call. "sicheng?"</p><p>"hey jun jun."</p><p>renjun stopped painting, lowering the brush from the canvas and moving to hold his phone. sicheng only called him that when something was wrong, that was always the first indicator. it was what sicheng used to call him as a kid, making him feel safe whenever he was scared of something. whenever bad news was around the corner, he always started it off by calling him jun jun.</p><p>"what's wrong?"</p><p>"i'm so sorry jun jun. they scheduled a tour and i have to fly all the way to thailand on the day your break starts." once the words made it through the speakers of his phone, renjun began understanding where this was going, why sicheng decided to use that nickname. "i tried to get an understudy to take my spot but no one could take it. kun's coming with me because he's worried about me being alone."</p><p>"so you're not gonna be home for christmas." renjun finished.</p><p>"i'm so sorry junnie. i know how much you wanted to see us for christmas, we wanted to see you too." sicheng said, voice filled with pain and guilt. "maybe you could spend christmas with dejun, i'm sure they'd love to have you."</p><p>"but they're not you." he hated how broken and tiny his voice sounded, never wanting to sound so small. but after being away from so long, the only time he's been able to see them have been through pictures and video calls.</p><p>"i'm so sorry jun jun. if i could, i would always be with you-"</p><p>"but this is your work and you need to do it." renjun said, resigned.</p><p>"i want you home more than anything and when you can finally come home, i won't be there. kun would join the call but he knows that if he hears you, he'll start crying."</p><p>"yeah, that sounds like kun." letting out a short airy laugh, renjun set down his painting supplies. "it's okay, i'll just spend the christmas with dejun. and hyuck is staying at the apartment so i won't be alone during the break. if you see ten while you're there, tell him i said hi and i miss him too, he doesn't call enough."</p><p>"i will baby. i really am sorry jun jun."</p><p>"i know, it's okay. i love you."</p><p>"i love you too."</p><p>"tell kun i love him too and i'm not mad at him either. i'm gonna go, my studio time is about to be up. i'll text you when i get home."</p><p>after a few more short exchanges, by the time they both hung up, renjun had already finished packing up his supplies, setting his canvas in the corner to dry, and headed out the door of the studio to head home. once renjun opened the door to his apartment, he did his usual unpacking routine at the door and headed into the living room to find jaemin with his head down in his textbook, donghyuck furiously typing on his laptop, and jeno calmly highlighting lines in his journal.</p><p>"welcome home renjun." donghyuck called, not taking his eyes off his screen. "have you eaten since lunch?"</p><p>"not yet."</p><p>"do you want to order-" jeno started, looking up from his work. "renjun, what's wrong?"</p><p>"nothing." renjun replied, rubbing his eyes with the sleeves of his sweater.</p><p>"hey, no, come here." donghyuck patted the space in between himself and jeno, closing the lid of his laptop quickly. settling down, donghyuck started petting his head on instinct. "what's wrong?"</p><p>"i'm not going home for winter break."</p><p>"what? why not?"</p><p>"my brother isn't gonna be there. i don't get to see my brother for christmas." at that admittance, renjun felt the tears welling up and threatened to spill. "i just really miss him."</p><p>renjun's body fell to the left, enveloped in warmth due to the gentle hold he was pulled into. </p><p>"you can cry." jeno said, voice soft and gentle in his ear and he held him, running his hand up and down his back. "it's okay."</p><p>it seems like deja vu, crying on the couch due to an overflow of emotions spilling over while someone held him and rocked him back and forth. except this time instead of smelling the laundry detergent they use in the apartment and mark's fruity kid's shampoo, it was replaced by the cologne that renjun had become accustomed to that wafted off jeno. pressing his face into the soft fabric of jeno's hoodie, renjun let himself fall apart, gripping the fabric against jeno's back as his entire body shook.</p><p>he felt a weight be gently placed on top of his head, jeno propping his chin on the crown of renjun's head to tuck him in further into his figure. renjun felt donghyuck's familiar touch on his back, rubbing soothing circles to help comfort and ground him. jaemin must have woke up from his banshee wails because he felt another hand patting his thigh, an attempt at support with what room he's given. </p><p>"it's gonna be okay." jeno whispered once more, holding him a little tighter.</p><p>it's gonna be okay. he's gonna be okay. he always ends up okay.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>a loud knock at the front door dragged renjun's body from the comfort of his plush blankets. donghyuck was an even heavier sleeper than himself, sleeping like a rock ever since finals had finished, so the only option was for renjun to open the door. not even checking to see who was behind the door, renjun threw it open haphazardly.</p><p>"how can i help...you?"</p><p>blinking a few times, renjun came face to face with the head of a large stuffed bear that was at least the size of him. he has to be dreaming. he's still under the covers of his warm bed, safe from the poor insulation blocking out the cold winter air from his window. that's the only explanation he can come up with for why he's having a staring contest with a human sized stuffed animal. moving slowly, renjun started closing the front door again, only for a foot to be shoved into the frame.</p><p>"wait!" a head peaked out from behind the bear, revealing a tall man as the bear slowly descended to the floor. "hi there."</p><p>"ummm, hello." renjun greeted back, eyes moving between the bear and man as he blinked slowly, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. there are only so many reasons someone brings a giant bear to someone's house and really, renjun has no idea which this man is here for. "i'm sorry to tell you this but i think whoever you're confessing to gave you the wrong address."</p><p>"what? i swear this was donghyuck's apartment." the man muttered, his own face contorting in confusion as he leaned back to check the number plaque on the wall. "definitely says 203. should be his apartment."</p><p>"donghyuck? mister, you do know donghyuck has a boyfriend right? his soulmate?"</p><p>"of course i do."</p><p>"then why are you trying to confess to a bonded man?" narrowing his eyes, renjun's initial confusion turned into cold disdain. why would anyone who knew someone had a soulmate, a soulmate they had met and properly bonded with at that, and still go to confess. whoever this man is, renjun doesn't like him.</p><p>"what, confess? no, i'm so sorry, you have it all wrong i swear!"</p><p>"then how do you explain the giant bear and looking for donghyuck?"</p><p>"you have it all wrong, i promise! i'm not like that! i'm not some kind of homewrecker. i'm his-"</p><p>"johnny!"</p><p>donghyuck had come running out of his room at full force, bare feet pounding against the cold wooden flooring of the apartment. renjun jumped back away from the door in fear, not wanting to be barreled into by the force. donghyuck may seem relatively harmless besides his sharp tongue, but renjun would rather not be completely body slammed by him first thing in the morning.   </p><p>"duckie, no, don't! i'm holding a-"</p><p>just as the man tries to exclaim that he has no hands to catch him, he dropped the giant bear and replacing it's former place was donghyuck who had propelled himself forward and into the man's arms. donghyuck let out a giggle as he wrapped his arms and legs around their guest like a baby koala. "why didn't you tell me you landed?"</p><p>"i wanted to surprise you." the man didn't seem at all bothered or surprised at having an armful of donghyuck, instead holding him up like he weighed nothing. "but i forgot you sleep like the dead so i think i may have angered your roommate."</p><p>"oh right." donghyuck said, as he tapped the man's shoulders to set him down. once he was back on the ground, donghyuck spun around toward him. "johnny, this is renjun. renjun, this is my brother johnny."</p><p>his brother, johhnny. johnny who is donghyuck's brother. donghyuck's brother who just so happened to be named johnny. the brother donghyuck had said would be coming back for christmas.  that brother, brother johnny.</p><p>he had just asked johnny why he would be confessing to a bonded man who just so happened to be his own brother.</p><p>renjun would like to ask the maker of the universe to simply open up a split in the earth's crust and allow him to fall all the way to the core. he's sure that would be far less painful than having to look at johnny ever again.</p><p>"i'm so sorry." renjun managed to squeak out, looking at johnny with wide eyes as his entire body burnt up like a hot pack. "i didn't. i mean, i was just. i'm sorry!"</p><p>"it's fine, i understand how it looked but i promise i'm not a bond breaker." johnny laughed, picking up the giant stuffed bear again. the disarming smile johnny had settled on his lips made renjun feel less embarrassed but not enough to calm down the flush in his face. "just here to see my little duckie."</p><p>"johnny." donghyuck whined, turning back to his brother. "i told you to stop calling me that."</p><p>"no can do, you'll always be my little duckie." it was a sight to see, donghyuck being on the receiving end of teasing. johnny simply smiled at his brother before presenting him with the human sized stuffed animal. "as promised, a human sized stuffed bear."</p><p>"i was kidding!"</p><p>"well, i wasn't."</p><p>"i don't even know where i'm gonna put this." donghyuck said, pulling johnny inside and shutting the door behind them. "renjun, do you mind this being in the corner of the living room?"</p><p>"no, it might make for cute home decor." renjun commented, trailing behind the brothers as donghyuck pointed at the space johnny should set the bear in. "what should we name them?"</p><p>"mister bear." </p><p>"absolutely not."</p><p>"bear man."</p><p>"no."</p><p>"stuffy wuffy."</p><p>"what? hyuck, you suck at this."</p><p>"i don't hear any better suggestions." donghyuck snapped back, crossing his arms as he huffed and dramatically snapped his head to the side as he shut his eyes. "i carry all the weight in this house."</p><p>"what about beartrice?"</p><p>"beartrice." slowly repeating the word, donghyuck turned back to where johnny had just set the bear, right in between the crevice of the couch arm rest and the wall. tilting his head to the side, he let out a hum before shrugging. "beartrice it is."</p><p>"cute name." johnny commented, coming back over and immediately leaning against donghyuck. the glint in his eyes already tipped renjun off, johnny was up to no good and he didn't want to get in the middle of the bloodshed. "oh no, it looks like gravity is working hard today."</p><p>"johnny! gravity is always 9.807 miles per second squared on earth! johnny no!"</p><p>"oh no, it looks like earth is upside down today because here we go!" deadweighting, johnny let all of his weight fall onto donghyuck, causing them both to fall over. landing on the couch over the arm rest, johnny laid on top of donghyuck with no sign of getting off. "gravity sure is funny."</p><p>"get off me you jolly green giant!" donghyuck's voice was muffled under the weight of johnny's body suffocating him.</p><p>"what? i can't hear you. gravity's too loud."</p><p>"that doesn't even make sense! this is why you were a fucking business major!"</p><p>renjun watched the exchange with a familiar sense of fondness. it reminded him of the time sicheng wouldn't stop clinging onto him, drapping his body over renjun's anywhere he went around the house after he had come back from tour. renjun had hated it in the moment, just wanting freedom to walk around the house without having to carry his brother around like a cape. but now, it was a fond memory that he looked back on whenever he teased his brother about his clingy tendencies.</p><p>a sore pang filled his chest as the siblings continued tussling together, donghyuck finally being able to push his brother off and is now landing soft punching against his chest as johnny's giggles filled the air. donghyuck looked alive for the first time since finals had finish, mirth evident in his eyes even if he looked disgruntled and upset. it should be a heart warming moment.</p><p>but all renjun felt was envy. </p><p>he wished that he was with sicheng and kun, complaining about their doting antics and overbearing nature. he was happy for donghyuck but at the same time, he wanted to be in his place. being able to play and laugh with his family after a long time of separation.</p><p>he missed home.</p><p>"renjun?"</p><p>brought out of his thoughts, renjun softly shook his head and saw the siblings looking at him expectantly, obviously having missed what came before his name was called. "sorry, what?" </p><p>"do you want to come eat with us?" johnny repeated, sending him a welcoming smile.</p><p>"thank you but-" renjun began. he wasn't sure if he would be able to handle being around the pair without envy and yearning burning in his chest, missing his own family. but as he saw the glimmer sparkling in donghyuck's eyes, bouncing in excitement, renjun didn't have the heart to turn it down. "but can i get ready first? i'm still kinda in my pajamas."</p><p>"yeah, of course. i gotta get ready too." bouncing off the couch, donghyuck grabbed johnny's hand and pulled him along. "come see my room! i have that picture you took pinned to the wall! johnny come on you're so slow-"</p><p>donghyuck's voice drowned out as he walked down the hall, giant brother in tow. letting out a shaky sigh, renjun went into his own room to quickly get ready and prepare himself for the emotional rollercoaster he's about to go on.</p><p>note to self: call sicheng when he gets home.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>how often can i keep up this bi-daily updates? who knows. i'm just not doing my coursework because i'm procrastinating.</p><p>did anyone catch the emperor's new groove attempted reference?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>donghyuck's break had been commandeered by his brother, most of his time spent outside the apartment and out on the streets of seoul catching his brother up on life. don't get him wrong, he and johnny had a very amicable relationship after they both agreed to not bring up the first meeting. renjun really liked johnny but donghyuck being out with johnny meant renjun was left alone at home with only beartrice for company.</p><p>so, he called up the only person he knew was as free as himself.</p><p>"seriously, i should have just joined my parents on that cruise." jeno complained, pulling the scarf higher up to cover his nose. "it's so damn cold."</p><p>"we're almost back at the apartment you big baby." pushing jeno slightly, they continued on their freezing trek back from their sunday cafe trip.</p><p>it had been a wash, the cafe itself had poor insulation so they were cold almost the entire time. jeno had even taken it upon himself to go onto renjun's side of the booth so share body warmth like a pair of huddled penguins. even the hot chocolate they had gotten was lukewarm. all in all, that cafe ranked bottom on their adventures.</p><p>so disappointed, jeno had invited renjun over to his apartment, saying that if that could be considered a cafe, so could his instant hot chocolate. "are the throuple in today?"</p><p>"no, i think yukhei dragged them on an impromptu date." renjun answered, as they finally made it into the warmth of the apartment lobby and headed towards jeno's unit. "he's been wanting to go to this restaurant downtown and kunhang finally got a day off from the office."</p><p>"doyoung got called for a firm trip yesterday and won't be back until tuesday so it's just gonna be you, me, and my cats."</p><p>"when will i meet this elusive brother of your's?" renjun joked before deciding to tease jeno. "i could do without you, but the cats on the other hand."</p><p>"hey!" disgruntled, jeno let out a huff as they arrived in front of his door. popping his door open, he allowed renjun to enter first before closing the door behind him. "everyone's just in it for the cats."</p><p>"oh definitely." jeno let out another huff before bringing renjun into living room. it was the same layout as the throuple's apartment, same modern interior and furniting but there was a different feeling to the apartment.</p><p>instead of the scattered chaos that was always left in the wake of yukhei and kunhang, there were cat toys littering the floor. picture frames lined the walls and shelves, jeno's bright smile reflecting back in all of them as the combination of people changed. the beige and grey accents reminded renjun of jeno's wardrobe when he wasn't drowning himself in black fabric. it felt familiar. it felt like jeno.</p><p>"this is bongsik." picking up the smallest cat in the living room, jeno smiled as bongsik melted into his arms and rubbed it's head against it's owner. "and over there causing general mayhem is sol and nal."</p><p>"hi baby." renjun cooed, scratching behind bongsik's ears. the cat responded happily to the new hand giving it scratches, moving it's head over and bumping into the palm of renjun's hand. a tiny pink tongue peaked out from bongsik's mouth and licked at the tips of renjun's hand before butting it's head once more into his palm. "i'm in love."</p><p>"of course you are." jeno commented while holding his arms up ever so slightly to present his cat. "bongsik steals everyone's heart."</p><p>"don't be surprised when you end up with only two cats once i leave." stealing bongsik from jeno's arms, renjun plopped down on the couch and settled bongsik in his lap.</p><p>"i'll go make the hot chocolate, go ahead and put something on."</p><p>"you're gonna regret letting me choose!" renjun called after jeno's retreating form.</p><p>"sure i will!"</p><p>flipping through his options, renjun attempted to find the most ridiculous thing to watch just to see jeno's reaction. after some thought and an annoyed meow from bongsik from the lack of attention, he decided on some reality tv show that revolved about american girls all in a house fighting with each other dubbed the bad girls club.</p><p>"here you go." holding out a steaming mug, jeno lowered himself carefully onto the plush seats of the couch cushions. "reality show? really?"</p><p>"you said something, this is definitely something."</p><p>after a few episodes of the show with snide commentary and sips of their hot chocolate, renjun and jeno had slowly melded together. renjun was leaning against jeno's shoulder, legs pulled up onto the couch with a thick blanket drapped over their bodies. bongsik had moved a while ago, joining sol and nal on the cushion of the loveseat which allowed renjun to move freely.</p><p>"oh my god she just threw glitter everywhere." renjun bemoaned, not even wanting to see the chaos about to ensue on the screen. "fuck glitter."</p><p>"what's so bad about glitter?"</p><p>"you can never get rid of it. sicheng once had to use glitter for a dance showcase and we found it around the house for years."</p><p>"was it that bad?"</p><p>"i would find glitter in new shoes. how did that even happen?" shifting slightly, renjun leaned most of his body against jeno as a fight broke out on screen. "there was this one time he came home from a dress rehearsal and a little girl followed him home thinking he was a fairy."</p><p>"so maybe it is a little bad."</p><p>"just a little."</p><p>renjun swears he had been in the middle of a sentence, no way had he just fallen asleep out of nowhere in the middle of a fighting scene. yet here he was, eyes closed and his head was set down on someone's lap, the familiar feeling of jeno's hands carding through his hair lulled him awake. the tv was still playing in the background but even behind his closed eyelids, renjun could tell it was much later than it had been when they had started. letting out a groan, renjun stretched out his limbs, feeling the soreness slowly seeping out.</p><p>"you awake?"</p><p>"yeah, sorry for falling asleep. i didn't realize i was even tired." renjun mumbled, slowly attempting to sit up. jeno finally stopped his ministrations to allow renjun to sit up and rub the sleep out of his eyes.</p><p>"it's okay, you seemed like you needed the sleep. but you did miss a really good fight scene where a girl tackled another into the pool and it almost turned into an attempted murder."</p><p>"damn, how could i miss that."</p><p>"you also got a phone call from hyuck but i just told him you were knocked out."</p><p>"oh shit." renjun reached for his phone, now set on the coffee table to send him an apology text.</p><p>"when was that picture taken?" jeno's head poked over renjun's shoulder, watching the homescreen appear once renjun exited the texting app.</p><p>"a couple days before i came here."</p><p>renjun's face was smiling back at them, wide smile taking over the features of his face as he was squished in between sicheng and kun after his going away party. sicheng nose was tinted red, the only trace of his crying session as he smiled brightly at the camera. kun was slightly more put together, planting a kiss on renjun's cheek as the flash had gone off. just days later, they had dropped renjun off at the airport and he had been on his way to korea.</p><p>"you look cute there."</p><p>"what i don't look cute now?" renjun asked, mock offense painted on his face. jeno sputtered a bit, tongue tied as he attempted to stammer out a response before he noticed the teasing glint in renjun's eyes.</p><p>"asshole." jeno mumbled pushing him slightly. letting out a short giggle, renjun swatted jeno's hand away before his eyes trained back on the picture on his homescreen. a few moments passed as he scanned his brother's face in the picture, heart pulling towards his phone screen. "you really miss them huh."</p><p>"yeah." renjun didn't even try denying that fact, not when jeno had held him through an entire breakdown just a week before. clicking the lock on his phone, renjun let out a sigh as he set it back on the coffee table before going back to the warmth jeno offered, leaning against him once again. "but it's okay, i have you."</p><p>"me?" jeno's voice came out a little higher but renjun paid no mind to it as he got sucked back into the reality show playing on the screen.</p><p>"yeah you." renjun mumbled, watching a girl attempt to kick another in the bus. "and hyuck and his brother. and the idiots next door. you guys have been keeping me company. makes me feel less lonely."</p><p>"yeah, of course jun. i'm always here for you."</p><p>always. even if it wasn't true, renjun hoped that jeno meant it.</p><p>"thanks, jen."</p><p>always may never be enough but for renjun, it was all he needed.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i'm not entirely satisfied with this chapter but i've been putting off updating because i couldn't think of how i wanted to write this section leading into what i really want to get to. i'm tryin yall, i really am. please tell me what you think, i could use the feedback on this chapter especially.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>with finals over, his projects and portfolio turned in, exams and essays finally finished, renjun spent winter break in the only way he knew how, binge watching all the movies he had put off to this point while eating makeshift hot pot on the living room table. he had taken refuge in dejun's apartment for the past two days, comfortable in the presence of his cousin ever since he had told him he wouldn't be returning home for winter break.</p><p>"i'm telling you, that wouldn't have happened in real life."</p><p>"i mean, maybe people really do just steal someone's laptop and get hunted down on the black web."</p><p>"yeah, and i'm the next prime minister of sweden." renjun snorted, waving his hands around despite holding a pair of chopsticks in one. jeno kept turning his head back and forth between the cousins like he was watching a tennis match over his bowl of rice. "i give it a three out of ten."</p><p>"i give it a seven."</p><p>"what do you give it jeno?" renjun asked, looking over at him briefly.</p><p>"what?"</p><p>"what do you give the movie?"</p><p>"renjun, i don't speak chinese."</p><p>"shit, sorry, i forgot." renjun replied, noticing the confused look on jeno's face still persist, he quickly flipped his code switch. "sorry, we forget you can't speak mandarin sometimes. what do you rate the movie?"</p><p>"oh, solid four."</p><p>"see, i told you it was shit." sticking his tongue out at dejun, renjun plucked another fish ball from the hot pot, making sure to stay in korean so jeno could be included in the conversation. "where'd yukhei and kunhang go anyway? they've been gone for a while, i'm gonna eat all the hot pot before they come back."</p><p>"they should be here any minute now." dejun replied, glancing over at his phone. "they ran into traffic earlier."</p><p>"with the way kunhang drives, that's surprising. the man drives like a maniac."</p><p>"you say that like he isn't just simply a maniac." dejun snorted. "my maniac though."</p><p>"gross. i'm trying to eat here." renjun said, face scrunching up in disgust. "don't make me lose my appetite by being all gushy."</p><p>"i'll do as i like, this is my home."</p><p>"one dinner is all i ask-"</p><p>a knock on the door halted the conversation, renjun's eyebrows coming together in confusion as he looked at dejun who was now typing away on his phone. jeno looked up from the hot pot, chopsticks still in his mouth as he let out a confused whine. if yukhei had been here, he would have had a fit, probably tackle jeno to the ground and try and convince dejun on why they should be allowed to keep him.</p><p>"renjun could you go get the door?"</p><p>"you literally just said this was your house."</p><p>"it's the idiots, apparently they forgot the key to the door."</p><p>"dejun, you don't even have keys." renjun slowly stated, getting more concerned about his cousin as another knock sounded from the door. "you use a keypad."</p><p>"they're idiots. can you just please go get the door for them, i don't want to even look them right now." dejun groaned, shoving his phone face down on the table before his head slammed down beside it. not wanting to antagonize his cousin any more, and more concerned about if he had just inflicted himself with a concussion, renjun pushed himself up from his floor cushion and made his way to the door.</p><p>"how did you guys forget-"</p><p>"surprise!"</p><p>the loud scream startled renjun, throwing him off kilter as he fell back from the door that swung fully open from the momentum before renjun's gaze zeroed in on who was in front of him. rubbing his eyes to make sure he wasn't hallucinating, renjun blinked a few times to clear the stars in his eyes. the figure was still there in the door frame of the apartment.</p><p>"sicheng!"</p><p>propelling himself forward, renjun jumped into his brother's open arms without further hesitation, pulling him down as he tightened his arms around sicheng's neck. he burrowed his face into the crook of his neck, the familiar scent of sea and cedarwood filled his senses. </p><p>it was the smell of home. </p><p>"it's good to see you too jun. i've missed you."</p><p>"i've missed you too." renjun murmured into the fabric of sicheng's sweater as they held onto each other. he simply basked in his brother's presence, being sent back to moments of safety and familiarity. a cough finally brought them out of their bubble, making renjun bring his face out of the burrowed position it had been in to find the source of the sound.</p><p>"i'm here too ya know."</p><p>"kun!" jumping out of his brother's arms with little resistance, renjun proceeded to throw himself onto kun and repeated the process of clinging onto his lifelines. kun lifted him a few inches off the ground, holding onto him just as tight. "i missed you too."</p><p>"me too jun, me too."</p><p>they stayed there for a moment before their reunion was interrupted by kunhang and yukhei's loud attempts at trying to roll suitcases down the hallway. grabbing a hand each, renjun pulled his brother and kun into the apartment to open the way for the pair, dragging them towards the living room.</p><p>"what are you guys doing here?" renjun asked, energy vibrating off of him as he bounced on the balls of his feet. "i thought you said you were going to thailand."</p><p>"i may have lied." sicheng confessed, not at all looking guilty as a wide grin spread across his face. "we wanted to surprise you, we're sorry for making you upset."</p><p>"it's okay, you're here now."</p><p>"that's why kun couldn't come to the phone when i told you, he can never lie to you." rolling his eyes, easily his brother looked over his head to look at his boyfriend fondly. "he would have cracked the second you sounded even remotely upset."</p><p>"because he loves me." renjun teased, finally getting them to the living room, releasing their hands.</p><p>"of course i do junnie." </p><p>"you finally made it!" dejun exclaimed, getting up from his seat on the floor to greet them. once he was close enough, renjun landed a punch on dejun's arm. "owww, what was that for?</p><p>"you knew they were coming!"</p><p>"yeah, of course i did. who else do you think they're staying with while they're here?"</p><p>"i was crying on that couch over not being able to see them and you knew the whole time!"</p><p>"but i also bought you ice cream and binged sci-fi documentaries with you, so i think i've completed my penance." dejun retorted, before turning back to the new guests. renjun let out a huff but said no more. dejun had been a caring cousin, petting his hair and feeding him copious amounts of ice cream as he went through another round of grieving, that time without jeno's presence for once, so he supposes this betrayal was forgiven. "i missed you guys."</p><p>"well, if you hadn't abandoned us for korea we'd see each other a lot more." sicheng replied in mock annoyance as they hugged one another. "and look, you have renjun running away from us too. oh hi, you don't look like a family member unless i'm missing a cousin."</p><p>sicheng had released dejun, tilting his head to the side as he saw another figure sitting on the floor, eyes filled with curiosity. jeno just blinked owlishly in reply, staring at sicheng nervously as he slowly set down his chopsticks to stand up as dejun moved onto greeting kun. frantically making eye contact with renjun, jeno quickly looked back at sicheng before flicking his eyes back to renjun. taking pity on the poor boy, renjun spearheaded the introductions.</p><p>"sicheng, kun, this is jeno. jeno, this is my brother sicheng and his boyfriend kun."</p><p>"oh! so you're jeno!" smiling, sicheng extended his hand to shake jeno's, speaking korean for the first time in a long time, language heavy on his tongue from lack of use. "renjun's mentioned you a few times with the cafe hunting. thanks for getting him out of the studio, i know how he holes himself up in there."</p><p>"hi, it's uhhh nice to meet you too." jeno smiled, and from the look on sicheng's face, renjun knew he was already won over by it. "i've heard about you too. mainly about how much he has to check in with you and it feels like he's being mother henned."</p><p>"hey!" renjun felt wronged at that bit of information, turning to jeno with a glare. "that's not true!"</p><p>"you were complaining just yesterday about- owww!" rubbing the side of his stomach, jeno returned renjun's glare after he had been stabbed by renjun's elbow. it was a silent stand off as they both held their ground, glaring at each other in an attempt to assert their dominance.</p><p>"anyways, if you two are done." kun interjected, ending their battle as jeno turned to him. renjun one, jeno zero. "i'd like my turn. i'm qian kun."</p><p>"jeno."</p><p>"well, just jeno." kun's gaze to anyone else would be joking to match his tone, a light tease from the lack of surname offered. but to renjun, the glint in kun's eyes was all too familiar, calculating in an attempt to find out the information he wants to know that one might not want to divulge. it was kun's superpower in action. "it's good to finally meet you."</p><p>"likewise."</p><p>they had settled down around the small living room table, their makeshift hot pot back in full gear as all seven of them started eating again. they would switch languages, sicheng and renjun arguing in mandarin about who's feeding who, the throuple occasionally falling into cantonese, and as a group speaking in korean to make sure jeno doesn't feel left out. whenever the conversation would be overtaken by their familiarity with one another, renjun would inform jeno on certain tidbits he needed to keep up with the story or translate for him if they forgot about the language barrier.</p><p>"sorry if our korean isn't that good, we haven't had to speak it in a while."</p><p>"no, don't worry about it. your korean sounds perfectly fine." jeno replied, shaking his head quickly. "i don't want to sound presumptuous but i didn't even think you two spoke korean since you just flew over from china." </p><p>"jun and i learned from our grandma who loved those cheesy korean dramas and then the school we went to in jilin taught korean in the classrooms since we're so close to the border." sicheng answered while piling more meat into renjun's bowl despite his little brother's protests to feed himself. "i haven't had to speak it in a while though and jun was always better than me at it, being the overachiever he is."</p><p>"hey!"</p><p>"hush, you know it's true."</p><p>"and i had to learn it working as a music producer so i could work with a larger clientele." interjecting, kun shoved a peace of meat into sicheng's mouth to end the sibling squabble before it could begin. "i'm still not the best but it gets me through my work."</p><p>"sicheng, kun, have you heard about what kunhang said to his boss?"</p><p>"oh no, what happened? what did you do?"</p><p>"nothing bad i just-"</p><p>the couple's attention got stolen by kunhang's embellished retelling with dejun's interjections of the truth, allowing renjun to not be force fed. happily plucking another fish ball from the pot, renjun felt a slight poke at his rib cage and turned to see jeno looking at him. "hmmm?"</p><p>"you're really happy aren't you." though it was formed as a question, the tone jeno used made it more of a definitive statement.</p><p>"why do you say that?"</p><p>"you haven't stopped smiling since they've gotten here." jeno informed and only then did renjun realize that his lips were in fact spread wide in a smile. even though he attempted at tempering down his smile, it was no use as the corners of his mouth raised up on their own.</p><p>"yeah, i really am." renjun whispered back, leaning towards jeno as if to keep it secret information from the rest of the group. "i guess i just really missed them but don't tell them that."</p><p>"you already did." jeno snorted, reminding renjun of their exchange at the front door. rolling his eyes, renjun pushed jeno lightly causing him to laugh as he fell back into place. jeno just watching him for a moment, not saying anything as they continued eating. "it looks good on you." </p><p>"what? hot pot?"</p><p>"no, happiness."</p><p>renjun quirked an eyebrow, a silent prompt for jeno to expand on that statement. jeno just shrugged in reply, sticking a piece of cabbage in his mouth as his eyes curled up into the crescent moons renjun so liked. rolling his eyes, renjun turned back to the hot pot and observe the conversation, taking in yukhei laughing with his head thrown back as dejun looked on exasperated.</p><p>"really kunhang, 'i forgot the keys'. he knows we use a keypad for the front door! how did that make any sense?"</p><p>"it was all i could think of okay!" kunhang defended, causing kun and sicheng to join in on the laughter as dejun let out another exasperated sigh. "i didn't see you come up with anything better!"</p><p>the argument continued between two-thirds of the throuple as their final third threw his body over kun in a full body laugh, unable to contain himself. sicheng rolled his eyes but couldn't keep his own laughter from escaping, watching dejun lightly smack kunhang on the shoulder as kunhang pleaded for forgiveness. this felt right. like it was what he had been missing this entire time, the emptiness in his heart filling up to the brim and almost threatened to spill over. </p><p>it felt like home. </p><p>"yeah. yeah, i guess happiness is a good look on me jeno."</p><p>renjun was home.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>SURPRISE! finally, some happiness for renjun. it's what he deserves. what's up what's good.</p><p>i also keep fucking up spelling hendery's name because i do kunheng which is the first part of kunhang and the second half of guanheng. i hate it here. hendery baby i'm so sorry</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>it was one of the rare days that renjun wasn't sandwiched in between his brother and kun, dejun demanding a day with the couple without renjun. so now renjun was relegated to the shadow realm until his family decides he's allowed back in on the fun. well, that's what he would be if jeno hadn't showed up at his front door asking renjun to teach him chinese.</p><p>"now then." renjun began, settling down on the couch next to jeno with a cup of tea. "why the sudden interest in chinese?"</p><p>"well, i mean." jeno attempted, looking around the room and anywhere but renjun as his ears began to burn a bright pink. "when i was over for dinner last week, everyone was speaking mandarin and i didn't understand. i mean, i've been meaning to learn it for years but never got the real chance so-"</p><p>"so you finally met a native and thought it'd be a perfect opportunity to learn?"</p><p>"only if you're willing." jeno smiled tentatively as he finally made eye contact with renjun as if he knew it was his weakness. clearing his throat, renjun took another sip of tea before setting the cup down on the coffee table.</p><p>"i take it you didn't come unprepared?" renjun asked, looking at the messanger bag jeno had brought with him. smiling brighter, jeno shook his head as he brought out a beginner's guide to mandarin. "you know learning a language isn't gonna be done in one day."</p><p>"i know, gives me an excuse to spend time with you."</p><p>"we already see each other every weekend." renjun sputtered, cheeks gaining colour as he tried to calm his heart that had been kicked into overdrive.</p><p>"never enough renjun time." opening the book to the first lesson, jeno hummed while pulling out a pencil, not noticing the miniature breakdown renjun was having right next to him. "you've been spending a lot of time with your family so it feels nice getting to spend time with you again."</p><p>"you sound as clingy as jaemin."</p><p>"jaemin went home for the break so someone's gotta do it."</p><p>"right, well then. time for your first lesson on introductions." switching the subject, he glanced down at the book in front of him and begun his rudamentary teaching.</p><p>as the time passed by, jeno turned out to be a good student, attentive and making sure to scribble little notes renjun said into the margins of the workbook. jeno wasn't lying when he said he had been attempting to learn for a while, knowing small phrases here and there, even writing them down with the correct strokes. however, the biggest hurtle for most native speakers was the same for jeno, tones.</p><p>"you're bringing the tone up too high." renjun corrected. "keep the corners of your mouth tight."</p><p>"i want-"</p><p>"well now you got want but messed up i."</p><p>"god damn it."</p><p>"that was just korean."</p><p>"this is so hard." jeno lamented, leaning back onto the couch as he cracked his neck to the side. "i remember why i dropped it so many times."</p><p>"it's not that bad, you were doing well. just some light correcting and you're golden." patting jeno on the knee, renjun attempted to give jeno some affirmation in his skills. truthfully, jeno was doing better than anticipated so it had just raised renjun's expectations. maybe he was being too nitpicky with him. "come on, let's try it again."</p><p>"i want."</p><p>"try hallowing out your cheeks more on i."</p><p>"i-"</p><p>"no like." humming, renjun furrowed his eyebrows trying to figure out how to help jeno properly correct his pronunciation. scrunching his nose, renjun attempted to remember what sicheng would do for him as a kid. "ah."</p><p>reaching forward, renjun put his hands on either side of jeno's face, perfectly positioned onto his cheeks. squishing his cheeks together, jeno's lips instinctively fell apart and into a pucker as his eyebrows shot up in surprise. renjun felt warmth slowly rising underneath his palms as he continued keeping jeno in this position, not allowing him to bring his head back like he wanted.</p><p>"now try saying i."</p><p>"i."</p><p>"see it worked! try it again."</p><p>"i."</p><p>"perfect! now try it without my help." renjun praised, taking his hands off of jeno's cheeks. they were a brighter red than before making renjun wonder if he had  been pressing too hard on them.</p><p>"i."</p><p>"now never forget that positioning. if you gotta, push your cheeks together when you practice."</p><p>"i think i'm all burnt out for today." jeno said, quickly shutting the workbook and shoving it back into his bag. "but are you really okay with teaching me? i'm not taking up your time right?"</p><p>"it's fine. it was fun finally being the teacher." renjun smiled, leaning back onto the couch and swinging his legs over jeno's lap now that they were relaxing. "sicheng used to always make me do weird shit to learn new words as a kid so now i finally get my turn."</p><p>"what did i just get myself into."</p><p>"lee jeno, you just signed your death certificate." there was a beat of silence as they made eye contact, renjun deadpanning as he stared into jeno's eyes. one blink. and then loud laughter came from the both of them until it slowly tapered down into soft giggles. "you staying for a movie? donghyuck and johnny aren't gonna be home for a while and dejun stole my brother from me today."</p><p>"sure, a movie sounds good."</p><p>"say that again after we watch it. i'm here for piss poor writing and bad acting with some shoddy camera work."</p><p>"of course you are. just don't play that movie with the weird wax baby ever again."</p><p>"hey! that was a perfect movie."</p><p>"yes, for your wall of horror shame. you and i both know you made me watch it just because the baby doll was the scarriest thing in the movie." jeno snorted as renjun grabbed for the remote before jeno could. "and that was only because it was ugly and poorly produced."</p><p>"that was the beauty of it." renjun sighed, dramatically falling back as he draped an arm over his forehead. "you just couldn't understand it's beauty."</p><p>"i understand beauty and trust me when i say that thing was hidieous."</p><p>"you understand beauty? mister lee 'got this shirt on clearance' jeno?"</p><p>"nothing wrong with clearance. but yes, if you must know. i am a coniseour of beauty." jeno retorted, raising his chin in a move of creating a faux egotistical air. "my cats for one are true beauties."</p><p>"ahhh yes, the cats. how could i forget." renjun snorted as if he wasn't enamoured by them himself.</p><p>"one of many examples of things i proclaim are beautiful." jeno smiled, eyes glinting in amusement as renjun aimed a kick at his ribs. letting out a sound of surprise, jeno didn't let the mirth fall from his features. "as i only surround myself with true beauty after all."</p><p>"alright apollo, calm it down there. the movie's about to start."</p><p>"you wound me."</p><p>"you ever think about switching majors to theatre, you sure are dramatic enough."</p><p>"only with you." jeno flashed another disarming smile renjun's way before leaning into the couch even more and turning his attention to the screen. renjun watched jeno for a moment longer, never getting used to how attractive jeno's side profile was even if he saw it often. it was an unhelpful reminder for renjun but it was a sight he wouldn't exchange or anything.</p><p>"sure, jeno. sure." </p><p>only for you, lee jeno. only for you would he endure it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>short chapter. rushed chapter. i've been in and out of doctor's offices the past week and a half. what's up what's good. a bitch officially doesn't have cancer! but we also don't know what the hell it is on the skin layer so catch me in doctor's offices still. i'm trying my best.</p><p>this is definitely not edited so i pray there aren't any major mistakes. if there are, yell at me to fix them please and thanks</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"who let yukhei put up the lights?"</p><p>"dejun!"</p><p>"i thought it would be okay! i didn't think he'd tangle them around himself!"</p><p>"don't you dare step on beartrice!"</p><p>so perhaps renjun should have known better than to get everyone together to set up christmas decorations on christmas eve right before the party. but in all fairness, he had been so preoccupied with spending time with his brother and kun that he forgot all about the decoration part of a christmas party.</p><p>they had been exploring the streets of korea, renjun showing them his favorite places to eat and study. he even gave them a tour of the university on kun's request, wanting to make sure that the university was good enough for him. his family had refused to allow him to pay for anything since they arrived, using the excuse of him being a struggling university student to dote on him.</p><p>but now as he looked at the chaos ensuing in his living room, everyone deciding that it was the perfect shared ground for everyone to come together to celebrate christmas together. it was a convergence of friend groups and family for the first time in their modest apartment and it seemed like he miscalculated the hell that would occur. this was why renjun was a fine arts major, because boy was he bad at math.</p><p>"kun's micromanaging johnny and sicheng decorating the tree." donghyuck said as they stood back at the kitchen bar to watch the mayhem. "he says it's because they should put their height to good use but they have no sense of cohesion. dejun is currently untangling yukhei from the christmas and fairy lights. jeno and kunhang are putting up the tinsel around the apartment but i think kunhang ran away to go set up surprise mistletoe. and mark is late because he couldn't find his ugly christmas sweater."</p><p>"how did they manage to talk us into having it at our house?" renjun bemoaned, dragging a hand down his face as he watched kun slap johnny in the arm for misplacing a bobble in the wrong section.</p><p>"common ground for everyone apparently."</p><p>"next time, we're ruining someone else's apartment."</p><p>"hear hear." donghyuck sighed, taking a sip of his coffee. "and next time, perhaps we should do it much earlier than the eve of literal christmas."</p><p>"just perhaps."</p><p>"renjun come help with the tinsel!" kun motioned for him to come over, pointing over at where jeno was seated alone on the couch attempting to untangle the silver bundle. donghyuck patted him on the shoulder in a moment of solidarity before renjun had to step foot into the eye of the chaos. </p><p>"hey, where'd kunhang go?" renjun asked as he sat down next to jeno and grabbed his own buddle of spikey tinsel to unravel.</p><p>"somewhere destroying the rest of your apartment i think." jeno replied, sending a bright smile over that didn't match the message he just relayed.</p><p>"if he breaks it, he buys it."</p><p>"i don't think money is really an issue for him."</p><p>"of course it isn't." renjun snorted, remembering a multitude of kunhang's spuratic yet expenses purchases. one of which included buying an entire menu from a cafe just because he couldn't decide what he wanted to pick. "let's hope he breaks something he thinks is expensive so he replaces it with solid gold."</p><p>"don't tempt him." letting out a laugh, jeno finally managed to untangle his round of tinsel, promptly drapping it over renjun's shoulders. "there, decorating complete."</p><p>"thanks. it really brings out the lights still wrapped around yukhei's ankles."</p><p>"you could just stand next to the tree and pretend to be a decoration." jeno commented, tapping his chin in mock thought as he narrowed his eyes at the tree behind renjun's shoulders. "you'd look cute next to beartrice and the tree. no one would even question it."</p><p>renjun felt his ears begin to burn red at the abrupt compliment. even though he had grown used to the affection offered by jaemin and occassionaly by donghyuck, it was still a rare occurance when it came from jeno's mouth. it would still make renjun's heart skip a beat, his ears and face flush, and eyes to immediately move towards the string on his fingers.</p><p>the frayed ends from the beginning of the semester had mended, no longer loose and mangled, returning to the tight curl around each other. renjun was more accustomed to the dull red glow now than the muted brownish tint that came with the beginning of his heartbreak. it was a testiment to his progress and resolve. it was a sight that he could be satisfied and satiated in. </p><p>"that'll be my next art project. wax figurine of myself."</p><p>"it'll be my new favorite piece of artwork." jeno joked back as renjun managed to untangle his own tinsel and mimick jeno's previous actions, drapping it over the other boy's shoulders. </p><p>"now we're matching." renjun laughed as jeno just shot him a soft smile and a roll of his eyes.</p><p>"you've been a lot more playful ever since they've been here." jeno commented, glance flickering over to sicheng and johnny who were now attempting to pick kun up so that he could put the star at the top of the tree, despite his obvious protests. </p><p>"yeah, i guess i have been." renjun confirmed, nose scrunching up as he laughed at kun almost falling forwards into the tree. "it's just nice to have them here. i kinda wish they never leave."</p><p>"man you'll never believe how hard it was to break into your room renjun." kunhang commented, reappearing for the first time since he's been over.</p><p>"what do you mean break in? the door was unlocked!"</p><p>"oops." renjun quickly got off the couch, leaving kunhang and jeno to laugh at him as he rushed to his room door and found it in tact and fully operational. letting out a relieved sigh, he stormed back to see kunhang smiling innocently in his seat next to jeno, no sense of guilt anywhere in sight. "i can't stand you."</p><p>"love you too baby!"</p><p>"if it weren't for the laws of this land i'd-"</p><p>"renjun can you go get the door!" sicheng called before giggling as he and johnny continued trying to get kun up on their shoulders. as if on cue, there was a knock resonating from the front door. "i think it's the chicken and pizza guy!"</p><p>"but donghyuck's right there."</p><p>"and i will be staying right here." donghyuck retorted, smirking into his coffee mug. "on with it jun, the door is waiting."</p><p>huffing, renjun stalked over to the front door and swung it open.</p><p>"i swear to god, it's so cold here i should have just stayed in thailand."</p><p>for the third time in a short period, renjun found himself faced with a vision unbelievable beyond the other side of the door. it was starting to feel like deja vu. at this point he was going to start believing he was having an elaborate long dream that involved opening the door and discovering the vortex to different locations. this was a long haul game of portal and he was about to eat the cake, even if it was a lie.</p><p>"so junnie, you gonna let me in or am i gonna have to freeze out here forever?"</p><p>"ten!"</p><p>throwing himself at ten, they almost toppled into the hallway before ten balanced himself and returned his hug with a hearty laugh. they stayed there for a moment before renjun pulled back and smiled brightly back at the new guest.</p><p>"hey baby, can i come in?" ten teased, ruffling renjun's hair but it didn't dampen the twinkle of joy in renjun's eyes as he nodded quickly and pulled him inside.</p><p>"what're you doing here?"</p><p>"what? and miss a little reunion?" ten scoffed. "who would i be if i missed a party?"</p><p>"where's yangyang?"</p><p>"baby brother decided he'd rather go to germany with his friends than come to korea with me. would rather hang out with people his own age than his old brother." rolling his eyes, ten airquoted while huffing. "he sends his 'regards' though and says he misses you."</p><p>"does everyone know you're here?" renjun asked, hugging onto ten's waist so ten could sling an arm around his shoulders as they waddled into the living room slowly.</p><p>"they better considering i just dropped my stuff off at kunhang's apartment." ten replied. "kun and sicheng called me last month, begging to be their alibi for their little stunt. i would like to state for the record i told them to just tell you because i don't like you being sad but they insisted on the surprise."</p><p>"you're pulling a surprise of your own."</p><p>"because i'm not about to be shown up by kun."</p><p>"so you'd rather give up a warm christmas in thailand and come to korea in the dead of winter so kun couldn't show you up?"</p><p>"of course. but also because i haven't seen my baby in forever." ten cooed, pulling at renjun's cheeks like he used to when they were younger. it used to annoy renjun as a kid, always having his cheeks pulled on because ten said he liked how his snaggle tooth would poke out. but now after being apart for so long, it felt reminiscent and warm.</p><p>due to their slow pace waddle, they had finally made it into the living room just as yukhei was finally freed from his shackles.</p><p>"guys! ten is here!"</p><p>"damn and here i was hoping it was the chicken guy." dejun called back but the smile on his face didn't match the tone of his voice. </p><p>"you're lucky i even graced you with my-"</p><p>ten's voice caught in his throat as renjun pulled back from his figure. ten's face had gone slack, eyes glazed over and breath hitched. the shatter of a bobble resonated throughout the apartment, porcelain shards littering the floor right next to the tree skirt. renjun registers a yelp from sicheng and kun's voice prepped for a scolding but the words stopped short as johnny stared at ten in surprised bliss. </p><p>"you. i finally found you."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>wrote this kinda tipsy at my friend's apartment along with an essay for my class which i wrote in viet and didn't realize until this morning when i woke up and went to write said essay. so what's up what's good. if you see any problems in this chapter, it was because i was inebriated and watching make a wish for an hour on repeat</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>renjun had seen ten through a lot in his life.</p><p>he's watched ten have to learn a whole new language that was expected in his bloodline that had been lost through the generations in thailand. he's watched him suffer and push through career ending injuries and jump back on the stage as if nothing happened. he's seen him fight tooth and nail for his little brother. he's watched him create his dance empire from the ground up when people doubted him. </p><p>renjun's been there through major tribulations and challenges in ten's life but never once has he seen him stand in shock, frozen in his steps.</p><p>no one in the room knew how to react. kun wasn't even fussing over the broken glass of the bobble on the floor, instead looking at ten in shock. yukhei and dejun had stopped their attempts at freeing yukhei from his string shackles, hands frozen in motion as they stared between johnny and ten like a tennis match. it was finally sicheng to get motion to occur, pushing johnny forward towards ten.</p><p>that seemed like enough to reboot johnny's system as he continued moving towards ten in tentitive steps. taking a step away from ten, renjun slowly slunk over to the couch, taking a seat next to kunhang as quietly as possible. by the time he had taken his seat, johnny had gotten in front of ten, only a step away.</p><p>everyone in the room took in a sharp breath as johnny raised his hand and placed it lightly on ten's cheek. ten, in all his feline like nature, nuzzled into johnny's palm, holding his wrist with both hands. </p><p>"you're real." johnny managed to say in a shaky voice. "you're real and you're here."</p><p>"so are you." ten replied. the stare they shared seemed too intimate to be projected in a room full of family and friends but no one could look away as ten's face broke out into a bright smile that allowed tears to slip past. "hi soulmate."</p><p>the outcome was expected yet the ripple of gasps still chorused around the room as they watched the soulmate meeting play out in front of them. johnny let out an airy laugh before bringing ten in by the back of his neck, burying ten's face into the scratchy fabric of his ugly christmas sweater. ten's hands gripped the fabric against johnny's shoulder blades as they just clung onto each other as if one let go, they'd disappear. as they finally began pulling apart, the smile on their faces mirrored one another, a smile that could never be mistaken. one that was full of love and hope for their future together.</p><p>it was an encounter that renjun had only heard about in stories and watched play out on television, something he would never get to experience for himself.</p><p>it was beauty in all of her grace. something that the higher beings of the universe intended. it was something so raw and true that it couldn't be replicated in full justice even by the best actors. a bond with your soulmate that only you two can see.</p><p>it's a dream renjun long ago had forsaken. </p><p>"well then, this is all good and well and i'm happy for you tennie." kunhang interrupted, garnering the attention of everyone in the room. "but where's my hello hug?"</p><p>"alright you little shit i'm coming!" ten called, finally letting go of johnny in order to greet everyone else. </p><p>that didn't stop johnny from standing behind ten and holding onto the hem of his jacket like a lost puppy however. it felt more like halloween than christmas, ten suddenly gaining a shadow like peter pan. </p><p>"no idea who you are but nice to meet you." ten said, giving a hug to donghyuck who had lined up just on the basis of not wanting to be left out of the hug relay. "thank you for taking care of jun for us."</p><p>"he's a handful but i'm doing the lord's work."</p><p>"hey!" renjun complained, swiftly grabbing a pillow and slamming it into the small of donghyuck's back, elisiting a whine from him. "i take care of you more than anything you oaf."</p><p>"that would be everyone." ten began, scanning the room before narrowing in on jeno. "but you. come on now, up."</p><p>"what?"</p><p>"alright i know i'm short but not short enough to hug someone sitting on a low couch. come on then up." ten commanded motioning for jeno to rise from his seat on the couch. noticing jeno not moving, renjun let out a chuckle as he leaned over and pushed jeno to stand. "there we go! nice to meet you i'm ten."</p><p>"jeno?" jeno replied in more of an inquisitive voice, instinctively returning the hug he had been pulled into.</p><p>"ten's a hugger." kun commented from his spot back at the tree. "you get used to it."</p><p>"by force or by fire baby." ten called over jeno's shoulder before pulling back, placing his hands on jeno's shoulders and smiling. "thank you for taking care of jun."</p><p>"my pleasure?"</p><p>"my pleasure. junnie he's a cute one, keep him." ten said, letting go of jeno and holding onto johnny's arm. "anyways, i will be taking this one to the patio and getting to know my soulmate. we'll be back before presents."</p><p>and much on brand for ten, he came and went like a whirlwind, leaving everyone in his wake. renjun was used to it, so were his brother and kun as well as the throuple. donghyuck seemed used to chaos as the human embodiment of it but jeno had a glazed over look on his face as he attempted to register what just happened.</p><p>"you get used to it." renjun commented, patting jeno on the shoulder as jeno flopped back down. "ten is just someone you gotta get used to."</p><p>"i can tell." jeno replied, looking over to the patio door at the hazy silhouettes of johnny and ten. "but i'm glad you have a lot of people who care about you."</p><p>"i am too." renjun smiled, watching kun finally set the star on top of the christmas tree. "i'm lucky like that."</p><p>the front door slammed open and shut, quick steps shuffling into the house. mark skidded to a stop after he entered the living room, bending over to catch his breath from the apparent rush from his car. once he straightened up, renjun attempted to stifle a laugh as he saw mark's ugly moose christmas sweater. oh my god, were those blinking christmas lights on the antlers?</p><p>"you're late." donghyuck called as he walked over to his boyfriend.</p><p>"sorry babe, i couldn't find my sweater." mark apologized, hugging onto donghyuck. "so, what did i miss?"</p><p>renjun looked over at his family and extended members by soulmate bonds, making eye contact with a similar glint in everyone's eyes. with a nod, they all took in a breath and opened their mouths to call for another onslaught of chaos. </p><p>"ten!"</p><p>good luck mark lee.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>happy halloween spooky hoes! this isn't my best chapter but we're trying to get this show on the road. i hope you all are being safe and following covid regulations and not partying. dress up at home, take some pictures, change into your pajamas, and watch a scary movie. </p><p>also did you get it? good luck mark lee. good luck charlie. mark lee. charlie. please tell me it was funny, i'll cry.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"if you bought me socks seven years in a row." dejun began, opening up ten's present, revealing a new pair of fuzzy socks. this year's theme, dinosaurs. despite dejun's previous grumbling, dejun couldn't stop the smile that broke onto his features. "thanks, i love it."</p><p>"course you do, i bought it." ten gloated, leaning against johnny as if they had known each other for years. renjun watched them in envy, seeing how natural they molded and melted together. it only took a moment but they were so in-tune with one another, renjun couldn't help but feel jealous.</p><p>they had finally done the gift exchange after peeling ten off of a confused and shocked mark. so far the highlights had been donghyuck gifting mark a bottle of maple syrup in a ketchup bottle, kunhang spoiling both yukhei and xiaojun in kunhang fashion with matching couple bracelets, and renjun gifting jeno a samoyed plushie that jaemin messaged should be named nono in remembrance to his owner. </p><p>"last and possibly least, your turn jun." xiaojun said, pushing over all of renjun's presents over to him.</p><p>"finally, you all took so long i was about to fall asleep." renjun teased before picking the largest box, rattling the box to see if it would make a hefty sound. it was obviously from the throuple, the wrapping paper and bow looking too expensive for renjun's uni boy blood. the second he saw the label within the box, he let out a gasp. "you didn't."</p><p>"we did." kunhang replied, smirk and pride evident on his fact. "you were always complaining about the school paints, we got tired."</p><p>"but old holland paints are so expensive. it's a master set. this has to be at least a grand." renjun said, voice full of reverence, the air being knocked out of him. "you guys."</p><p>"look what you guys did, yall set up expectations so hard." donghyuck whined. </p><p>giving them a quick but tight hug, renjun shook off the enamourment and set the box aside to open the next gift. it was a pair of fox house slippers to match donghyuck's duck ones and despite renjun's attempt at annoyance, he couldn't stop the smile from his face. mark gave him a new sketchbook with a leather binding. ten gave him a new bag from his favorite thai designer, knowing that renjun still used the worn down satchel he's had since high school.</p><p>"thank you for the new jacket." renjun said, pressing his head against sicheng and kun's shoulders like a pleased cat. it was a light trench coat that looked exactly like the battered one in his closet, a good replacement come spring. "did you embroider the collar yourself?"</p><p>"grandma did teach me a thing or two." sicheng joked as renjun ran his finger against his name etched in the lapel. "we might not all be the next vann gough but i know how to at least do that."</p><p>"i think that was the last one." renjun said, looking around not seeing anything else but opened wrapping paper and piles of presents. donghyuck had already escaped to put his presents away. "i'm gonna go put these in my room while you guys sort out a christmas movie."</p><p>"don't take too long." kun called as renjun carefully balanced the presents in his arms. carefully bumping the door open with his hip, renjun ungracefully dumped his gifts onto his bed before attempting to put them away in their appropriate new homes.</p><p>"hey." jeno's voice came from the doorway, causing renjun to look over his shoulder at him. sure enough, jeno was standing in the doorway with his hands behind his back.</p><p>"hey?" renjun called back, motioning for jeno to come inside. "i didn't think i was taking that long."</p><p>"no, it's not that. we finished cleaning up the wrapping paper and they're still fighting over the christmas movie outside." jeno laughed, finally making his way in front of renjun. raising an eyebrow, renjun watching jeno's nervous tiks, the furrow of his eyebrows and the subtle shake in his leg as he tapped against the floor. "here, this is for you."</p><p>bringing his arms out from behind his back, renjun was greeted with a prettily wrapped box, wrapping paper a starry night blue with a silver ribbon tying it all together. gingerly taking it from jeno's hands, he looked up in confusion. "why didn't you give it to me outside?"</p><p>"well after you opened those paints, i didn't want to embarrass myself in front of a group so i slipped it back so i could give it to you in private." rubbing the nape of his neck, jeno kept looking at his feet, embarrassment evident in the pink climbing up his collar as renjun peeled back the wrapping paper. "i know it's not much compared to everything else you've gotten tonight, but well, merry christmas."</p><p>"you remembered?"</p><p>once the wrapping paper had been discarded, renjun held in his hands the box to the artist brush stylus that he had seen a month ago in an art shop next to a cafe they had visited on one of their outings. it had been a passing moment, renjun making an offhanded comment about how it might be easier for his digital art and designs if he had a brush stylus. jeno had simply hummed as he followed renjun around the art shop, too scared to touch anything in fear of breaking it.</p><p>"you were looking at it for a really long time when we were in the shop." jeno replied slowly. "i went back and bought it the next day and hoped you wouldn't go and buy it yourself for a month."</p><p>"jeno." renjun began, holding it tighter to his chest as he waited for jeno to finally look at him again. once they locked eyes, renjun let a genuine smile play on his lips as he held onto the stylus. "i love it. thank you for remembering."</p><p>"you're welcome."</p><p>"now i feel bad about just getting you a dog plushie." renjun whined, setting the stylus down on his night stand.</p><p>"don't be, he's gonna have prime real estate on my bed." jeno laughed before pulling renjun towards the door. "come on, they probably chose a movie by now."</p><p>"yeah, alright." renjun chuckled, following behind jeno before he bumped into his back, confused at the sudden stop. "what? why'd you stop?"</p><p>jeno slowly turned around, looking at renjun with his eyebrows furrowed and a look of contemplation in his eyes. renjun just blinked back owlishly, confused at jeno's sudden change in behavior. before renjun could ask again, he felt heat on his cheek, jeno's lip leaving just as quickly as they had been placed. no matter how much renjun attempted, the blush that took over his face wouldn't tamper down. "what?"</p><p>"mistletoe." jeno explained quickly, pointing up at the doorframe. following jeno's finger, renjun saw mistletoe taped to the top of renjun's doorframe, hanging just low enough in view that jeno had caught it. "it was probably kunhang."</p><p>"yeah, yeah probably." renjun hated how airy and breathless his voice sounded as he tried to calm down his heart. "mistletoe. right."</p><p>before either of them could say anything, donghyuck's voice came from the living room, breaking the moment.</p><p>"hurry up you two! love actually is on!"</p><p>"who the fuck likes love actually?"</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>wrote this in a sleepy haze. love it or hate it, it is now here. please yell at me what you think of this chapter cause i'm not confident on it but don't wanna try rewriting anything.</p><p>i have two ideas of how to continue the story and haven't decided which one i'm gonna go with yet.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Chapter 21</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>renjun wasn't as oblivious or daft as most people made him out to be.</p><p>he knew when people were interested in him, a mistaken soulmate bond or those who don't care about their bond taking an interest in him and flirting with him. he knew when people were interested in each other, soulmate string light enough that there's still uncertainty and only time will tell if their bond is true. subtle hints and light touches with intent and purpose behind them.</p><p>renjun wasn't dumb, he knew what interest looked like from another party. what was getting on renjun's last nerve though was confusion.</p><p>jeno was an enigma.</p><p>renjun had been getting mixed signals for a while now, just putting those thoughts to the side and not reading into it too much. he knew that jeno was in love with jaemin, saw it right before his eyes anytime they were all together. it was an unmistakable gaze.</p><p>so why was he beginning to feel and see something different about jeno.</p><p>subtle touches every now and then. a shoulder here, a graze there. passing statements and words that hold a possible double meaning if someone dug deeper. confusing signals that would make renjun do a double take and immediately go to his journal to jot down the interaction.</p><p>sometimes it felt like jeno knew. like he knew and was just playing some cruel game on him as he pushed and pulled, giving him hope only to take it away within a second. contradicting his actions and words. or perhaps renjun was imagining something that wasn't there to bring himself a sliver of hope, just enough to keep him hanging on just in case jeno's heart ever shifted. the smallest sign that he could perhaps see renjun as more than just a friend.</p><p>so here he was, huddled in a warm ball on his bed reading through journal entries trying to see if he was just projecting hope and his own selfish wishes onto jeno's actions.</p><p>
  <em>december 26th</em>
</p><p>
  <em>jeno invited him over again to finally meet his brother. it was an impromtu meeting, jeno catching renjun in the hallway of the apartment complex just leaving the throuple's apartment after spending the day with his family.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>doyoung was nice, friendly and welcoming if not a korean version of his own brother. doyoung doted on jeno in a teasing older brother way, always demanding affection from his little brother as payment for small actions. it was sweet and he could tell jeno enjoyed the attention even if he denied it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>the first thing doyoung said to renjun was "jeno never shuts up about you but i get it now, you're a cute one."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>jeno's face flushed deep red at that, stuttering and whining at his older brother to not be so embarrassing. doyoung simply shrugged and told jeno he's a lawyer, he calls it like he sees it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>it was a nice meeting. he hopes he can meet doyoung again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>december 28th</em>
</p><p>
  <em>they went on another cafe search, this time to a little cafe that johnny suggested.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>it was fun, the cafe ranked high and renjun enjoyed just getting jeno to himself again, even if just for a little bit.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>however, it was december and freezing in korea no matter how much padding they wore. renjun's hands were shaking so much walking down the street to the cafe jeno had grabbed it and tucked it into his coat pocket like a cheesy drama.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>let's just say that the flush on renjun's cheeks wasn't just from the cold breeze.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>december 30th</em>
</p><p>
  <em>jeno came over for another chinese lesson.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>kun and sicheng tried helping as best as they could but jeno seemed a little overwhelmed at three different people trying to instruct him and correct his pronunciation so kun and sicheng turned on a drama in the living room and left renjun and jeno alone in his room.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>it felt weird, like a study date with your parents out in the living room overhearing everything. halfway through it ended up in a pillow fight and them both on the bed out of breath and exhausted, books forgotten. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>jeno laughing ranked in the top three of some of renjun's favorite sights and he hoped that it would be something he got to see everyday.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>kun scolded them for causing a mess. </em>
</p><p>yet the more he read, the more he saw a possible development of jeno's feelings, a shift in his actions that could be taken as more than just friends.</p><p>but renjun knew it was foolish for one reason alone. jaemin.</p><p>yet every time they were with jaemin, it felt like renjun wasn't even there. all the subtle factors and previous confusions no longer existed and all that jeno could see was jaemin. he wasn't sure what jeno was truly thinking.</p><p>and maybe he was a little selfish but for the first time, renjun hoped that jeno would look at him instead of jaemin. he hoped that jeno would finally look at him the same way he looked at jeno. he hoped for this or for jeno to stop sending mixed signals that did nothing but raise hope in renjun's soul. </p><p>he wasn't upset with anyone. it wasn't jaemin's fault for being the object of jeno's affections. jaemin was a loveable person with just as much love to give back. jeno couldn't help who he was in love with, not even the higher beings could control who he fell in love with. </p><p>it was a foolish wish but renjun hoped that the higher beings of the universe would have mercy on him.</p><p>but renjun knew he must have fallen out of mercy's favor a long time ago. </p><p>all he would ever have is false hope.</p><p>he was dreaming too far.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>yall are gonna hate me come next update but here's a slow entrance back into hell. the next update is kinda lengthy to make up for this short one. please yell at me all you'd like for this one.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Chapter 22</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>new year's was a disaster.</p><p>this time it was at jeno's apartment, doyoung wanting to finally meet everyone his baby brother had been hanging out with this break instead of with his one and only brother. and somehow, just somehow, it was even more chaotic than christmas for one factor. ten.</p><p>doyoung and ten upon meeting had immediately hit it off, but not in the way anyone expected. it had been a fairly normal meeting but two shots in, both of them were arguing and fighting in a way that anyone who looked at them would assume they were long time friends. doyoung had yet to meet his soulmate so that was ten's immediate latch of ammunition, to tease doyoung about having entered the country and immediately found his while doyoung had spent his entire life in korea and hadn't found his yet.</p><p>"i'm just saying, maybe if you left the country, you'll find your soulmate." ten commented.</p><p>"not all of us can up and leave the country tennison." doyoung snapped back as he swirled the wine in his glass. "i have a court case next week i have to prep for. no time for wonderlusting through the continent."</p><p>"boo you whore." pulling kun over from his conversation with johnny, ten dragged the poor man into their conversation. "even kun has more fun than you and kun's no fun."</p><p>"now why am i being slandered?"</p><p>"because it's my favorite pastime." ten replied immediately, taking another sip of his wine.</p><p>"you think i'll be able to kick ten out after tonight?" jeno whispered, watching the interaction with renjun.</p><p>"oh absolutely not." renjun answered, watching ten let out a boisterous laugh. "once ten finds a new easy target, he latches on and never lets go. and doyoung is like a baby rabbit in a trap."</p><p>"you would think ten was the lawyer with how easily he makes quick comebacks."</p><p>"he becomes fluent in languages whenever it's time to fight." snorting, renjun took another sip from his cup, tasting the burn in the back of his throat from the alcohol mixed in. "he's always been like that. you'd think he was fluent in mandarin when he first came to china with how he argued with kun."</p><p>"you never did say how you guys met him." jeno commented, attention turned to the throuple who had taken to having a competition in front of the television with just dance.</p><p>"he came as an exchange student, said his family wanted him learn mandarin because he was chinese by blood. his little brother had already been in taiwan with their grandmother so they chucked him up and over to the mainland." renjun recounted. "we were his host family so we took him around, helped him learn mandarin, now he's just family. we can't get rid of him."</p><p>"you say that like you'd even want to." </p><p>"maybe i do." </p><p>"you don't." jeno shot down immediately, causing renjun to turn his head over to look at him. "you care about him a lot."</p><p>"oh yeah, and how do you know mister lee jeno?" renjun challenged.</p><p>"you care a lot about the people around you, especially if you consider them family." even though it shouldn't surprise renjun, he still felt his heart skip a beat at jeno's statement. of course they were friends so they knew things about each other, but simple observations like this made renjun's heart speed up. "you pretend like they annoy you but you love them much more than you'd ever admit to them. you're caring like that."</p><p>"alright, i get it. no more need to play therapist." renjun complained, though voice still light enough to show he was only joking. "i'm a softie but if you tell anyone else that i'll stab you."</p><p>"my lips are sealed." jeno smiled, bumping his hip bone into renjun's. "come on, let's go out onto the patio, it's getting stuffy in here. unless you want to watch yukhei almost break my television."</p><p>"i just might." despite his words, renjun followed jeno's lead towards the patio, leaving the door open just enough to still hear what was going on inside. "at this point, who knows if ten will leave. he's found his new target."</p><p>"and his soulmate."</p><p>"and his soulmate." renjun repeated, sending one last glance over his shoulder into the apartment to where ten had taken up the space on johnny's lap.</p><p>"what about you?"</p><p>"what?"</p><p>"are you leaving too?" jeno asked, grabbing renjun's attention again, locking gazes with each other. "after you graduate?"</p><p>"honestly? i haven't thought about it." renjun said, you know, like a liar. he had thought about it multiple times ever since coming to korea but the largest factor had been jeno. should he stay, stay close to his soulmate even though they wouldn't be together. should he leave, so that he could detach himself easier and attempt to bring peace to his heart. "i'm not sure yet."</p><p>"won't you stay?" that simple question made renjun's knees buckle, an immediate affirmation attempting to slip past his lips at his soulmate's question. but despite his innate reaction, he simply looked at jeno, eyebrows furrowed as jeno leaned against the railing. "i mean, it'd be weird if you just up and left after becoming such a big part of our friend group. i think donghyuck would probably try and lock you in if you ever tried escaping."</p><p>"yeah, he probably would. what about you?"</p><p>"what about me?"</p><p>"do you want me to stay?" renjun prodded, heart picking up it's pace as he awaited jeno's answer. perhaps it was the alcohol coursing through his veins but his filter seemed to be turned off, no longer stopping the thoughts from flowing out.</p><p>"of course i do." jeno replied. "you're my friend, why would i want you to go?"</p><p>friend. that's what renjun was. never forget that huang renjun, remember where you stand.</p><p>"i'll think about it." renjun finally said after a beat of silence. "you're gonna have to give me a reason to stick around."</p><p>"what? my friendship isn't enough?"</p><p>"nope." popping the p, renjun leaned against the railing along with jeno, leaning his folded arms over top of the rail to look out onto the city.</p><p>"what about a soulmate?"</p><p>renjun's neck made an audible pop as he snapped his head to look over at jeno, only getting a glimpse of his side profile as jeno's gaze held fast to the passing traffic and flashing lights of the nightlife. renjun's voice was caught in his throat, voice coming out airy and constricted. "what?"</p><p>"you never met your soulmate back at home. i'll hear you talking to hyuck about it ever now and then just barely, i only ever hear the tail end of your conversations so you don't have to worry about my eavesdropping." jeno rambled quickly, explaining himself as best as he could as renjun felt his heart about to break through his rib cage. "just that they're so close yet so far so i thought maybe they would be in korea. maybe you can find them. and stay."</p><p>jeno didn't know. he really didn't know. he didn't see it. he didn't see the string that was dangling off the railing ever so slightly from his finger only to flow back up and connect him to renjun. the red thread was shining in the dull gleam of the stars overhead and the light emitted from down below. it was a sight only renjun knew.</p><p>"i don't know, i could just be imagining it. hoping for something i haven't found yet." renjun waved off, attempting to keep the pain and hurt from his voice.</p><p>"hey don't be like that, maybe they're closer than we think." the irony dripping off jeno's words without him even meaning for. "you said you always loved those soulmate meeting stories. maybe you'll have your own soon."</p><p>"probably not." renjun attempted again at dropping the conversation weakly, rubbing his pinky subconsciously. "maybe i'll just be a tortured artist, cursed to live alone forever with his pet raven."</p><p>"alright h.p. lovecraft."</p><p>"it was edgar allan poe." renjun corrected, watching jeno crack a smile as he turned towards him, finally tearing his gaze away from the city and onto renjun. "but seriously, don't get your hopes up to live vicariously through me."</p><p>"hey who knows, you'll probably find your's before i find mine." each word jeno said felt like a dagger into renjun's soul, chipping away slowly at his resolve.</p><p>"why do you say that?"</p><p>"just. i mean, you're the hopeless romantic between the two of us." jeno joked, but the humor fell flat as the smile on jeno's face didn't reach his eyes. "i'm just kind of hopeless."</p><p>"jeno. i-" renjun began, attempting to find the words he was grasping for but the alcohol in his system clouded his mind. blinking away the smog that was overtaking his thoughts, renjun looked up and saw jeno closer than he had been moments ago.</p><p>"yeah?" jeno's face was close enough that renjun felt his breath brush his cheeks.</p><p>"what if i. what if we were. what if i said." renjun attempted, cutting off each statement before it could be a completed thought. was he prepared to confess the secret he had promised to keep to himself for the betterment of jeno's romantic life? or was this just a selfish act of inebriation? renjun wasn't sure.</p><p>he wasn't even sure if he would be able to get words out as they slowly leaned in closer to one another. perhaps it was a trick of his imagination but jeno's face was so close, close enough that renjun had lost all of his inhibitions and restraint. just a few more centimeters. fluttering his eyes closed, he felt their noses bump together as he took in jeno's familiar cologne. </p><p>"happy new year!"</p><p>"jaemin, it's not midnight yet!"</p><p>before anything could occur, jeno pulled back as renjun felt his heart drop, opening his eyes again to see jeno's attention captured by the scene behind the glass. donghyuck had attached himself onto a laughing jaemin, hair freshly dyed his signature bubblegum pink. renjun watched the twinkle come back into jeno's eyes, the one he had become familiar with. one that was never directed toward him.</p><p>"jaemin." jeno quickly pushed open the patio door, reentering the house and greeted jaemin with a similar hug as donghyuck. it left renjun alone in the cold winter air, heart clenching and lips cold.</p><p>he should have known and shouldn't have allowed himself to get his hopes up for such an empty promise. jeno hadn't seen jaemin for almost a month, occupying that time with renjun and his other friends. in his absence, renjun had fooled himself into believing that there might have been something. anything.</p><p>but of course that was all it was, fooling himself into something that wasn't there. it was obvious as he watched the reunion, jaemin laughing as jeno fussed over him, patting him down and complaining about the lack of layers he had worn.</p><p>he lost sight of who he was. renjun forgot he wasn't the boy jeno was in love with, even if just for a moment there had been flickering interest. he forgot not to wish for something he couldn't have and now his heart was wounded. it was no one's fault but his own. </p><p>he rang in the new year alone on the patio, brushing away the tears that felt frozen against his cheeks as he turned his back to the festivities inside. it took a while, hearing the music from inside play on as kunhang challenged ten to another dance battle as jaemin was given a round of introductions. hearing kun call his name from inside, renjun took in a deep breath before he plastered on a fake smile before joining the party.</p><p>if anyone knew something was wrong, they didn't mention it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>please don't kill me. listen, you read this at your own risk, i made it very clear from the beginning this was a slowburn angst.</p><p>please share your conspiracy theories, tears, other chapter ideas, anything in general to get my creative juices flowing because i'm not 100% sure where i want to go from here. i have the major points planned out but can't think of ways to get to it.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Chapter 23</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>renjun's plan was to rewind, induce amnesia, deny the truth because it's easier. he was just confused. believe it when he says that there's nothing there. he wanted to forget the time he even entertained the idea that he and jeno could have a normal soulmate bond after the way it had started out.</p>
<p>there was one thing renjun was good at, fooling himself into believing everything was okay.</p>
<p>he felt like he was running on autopilot, going through the motions as he tried to regulate his emotions and thoughts. he knew it was unhealthy, keeping everything kept inside without telling anyone. renjun was aware of how self-destructive his actions were but he couldn't get himself to stop. donghyuck had been so preoccupied with mark and johnny that he was rarely home so he couldn't even ask him for advice.</p>
<p>so he had to go to the second best option.</p>
<p>"you never come to me first unless you're trying to hide something from sicheng and kun." ten said once renjun set down the cup of tea in front of him before taking a seat across the table. "are you okay?"</p>
<p>"yes. at least i think i am." renjun answered, not able to bring his head up from the tea cup in front of him. "i'm not really sure anymore."</p>
<p>"alright bumble bee, what's up?" ten prompted, forcing renjun to look up at him. "you know we're all here for you, me included."</p>
<p>"i'm scared."</p>
<p>"of what?"</p>
<p>"i found my soulmate." renjun whispered, clutching onto the mug in his hands. "i found him ten. it's jeno."</p>
<p>"baby that's great! why are you scared?" eyebrows furrowing, ten reaching over to loosen renjun's grasp of the mug, knuckles slowly turning white from his vice grip.</p>
<p>"i've known for a while who it was but he didn't, still doesn't really. we've become really good friends, isn't that wonderful ten?" plastering a fake smile on his face, renjun finally looked back up at ten before his smile faltered. ten's face had fallen, eyebrows unfurrowed and features grief stricken.</p>
<p>"what?"</p>
<p>"i was beginning to think maybe he knew too. you know, it wasn't one of those immediate soulmate bonds, not like you or ten had. but i was just fooling myself into seeing something that wasn't there." renjun admitted, his throat clenching as he held back tears, the sob in the back of his throat wanting to break free. "he's in love with someone else. he always has been and i was just tricking myself into thinking maybe, just fucking maybe, he liked me back like a soulmate is supposed to."</p>
<p>"what are you talking about?" ten asked, standing up so that he could move to the other side of the table, pulling renjun up and into the living room, slowly placing him down on the couch.</p>
<p>"i was so stupid. so so fucking stupid. i knew, i knew he didn't love me back. so why did i trick myself into thinking he just might. i've always known he didn't love me back." renjun rambled as ten wrapped him in his arms, rocking him back and forth as he whispered soothing sounds in his ear. "my soulmate doesn't love me ten. he doesn't love me. i'm going to be alone forever."</p>
<p>"no, baby, no you won't."</p>
<p>"and the worst is that i told myself i'd be okay with that. i was okay for a while, i was going to let him fall in love with someone else and hope for their happiness. i was so okay with it so why did i fool myself into thinking he might like me too. why, fucking, why am i so stupid?"</p>
<p>"you're not stupid jun, you're not." ten whispered, bringing renjun in closer.</p>
<p>"i have a soulmate that doesn't want me. if he doesn't want me, who ever will?"</p>
<p>"you're more than just a soulmate renjun. you're so much more than just a half of a stupid bond."</p>
<p>"did you see jeno yesterday? you saw it too right? how he went straight to jaemin when he saw him and wouldn't leave his side for the rest of the night even though that meant leaving me alone?" renjun mumbled into ten's shoulder as it slowly grew wetter due to the tears that slipped past renjun's eyes. "he didn't even realize he left me alone."</p>
<p>"it's okay to cry baby. just let it out." ten said, rubbing renjun's back. with those words, renjun broke down, his entire frame shaking as he wailed. ten rocked him back and forth, whispering soothing words to get renjun through his episode. he wasn't sure how much time had passed by the time he had finally calmed down, sobs slowly subsiding as he muttered out his next confession.</p>
<p>"ten, he almost kissed me."</p>
<p>"what? he did what?" if renjun were able to focus on more than just breathing, he would have noticed the venom in ten's question. but all he could register is the tightened grip ten had on his body, providing renjun the warmth and comfort he needed.</p>
<p>"he almost kissed me but then jaemin came in and he forgot all about me. maybe i was just there to fill his time before jaemin came back. i was just a temporary replacement."</p>
<p>renjun couldn't say anything else besides single syllables and broken words, the pain in his chest only satisfied as he broke down further into ten's arms. all he could do is let out a whine before burying his face further into his shoulder, no longer able to do anything but cry. </p>
<p>another round of sobs wracked through renjun's body, sending him into another round of panic and uncontrollable shaking as ten held him, grounding him into reality. no matter how hard renjun tried, he couldn't stop the tears flowing down his cheeks and the cries tearing past his throat. </p>
<p>the only sound that hit renjun's ears were his own sobs resonating throughout the room.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>ten coming in hot</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Chapter 24</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>sometimes during his breakdown, he must have fallen asleep because renjun woke up to a hand on his head, running fingers softly through his hair as something played softly on the television. letting out a whine, renjun burried his face into the fabric of sweater that laid underneath his cheek.</p><p>"hi there." the vibration from ten's chuckle jostled renjun, making him whine further before sitting up. ten had pulled renjun on top of him, treating him like a baby during nap time but he couldn't say he was mad about it. "you feel a little better after crying?"</p><p>"yeah, thanks ten."</p><p>"of course, jun. now up, you need to drink some water for that headache. you cried yourself to sleep before i could get some water into you." now that ten had brought that fact to the forefront, renjun's head started pounding, tension pulling in different directions. as they untangled themselves, ten grabbed a glass of water off the coffee table. "i didn't tell kun or sicheng about this."</p><p>"please keep it that way. i don't want them to know yet, they'd worry too much." renjun sighed once he finished downing his water, tension slowly subsiding.</p><p>"but you'll let me die of stress over this?" ten scoffed, tone still light. "i'm offended junnie."</p><p>"i told you because you don't judge me. you won't force me to do anything. i don't need someone to tell me what i'm doing right now is stupid or anything, i just needed someone to listen." leaning against ten's shoulder again, renjun allowed him to pat his head softly, bringing back warm childhood memories back in china, during a simpler time in his life. "you won't go up to jeno and tell him, even by accident. i know how you all would react and out of everyone, you're the only one who won't try and fight him head on."</p><p>"maybe not head on, but he's fallen from my good graces. he better watch out his back from now on." despite the poorly veiled threat, renjun knew ten wouldn't actually do anything volatile. not if renjun didn't really want him to create any chaos and that's why he went to ten out of the rest of his family.</p><p>"so what should i do?"</p><p>ten let out a snort. "you just said the reason you chose me was because i wouldn't tell you to do anything."</p><p>"you won't tell me to do it, but i could use some advice."</p><p>"do you want my honest opinion?"</p><p>"yeah, lay it on me."</p><p>"you should tell him. no, hear me out baby." ten immediately pushed on, feeling renjun tense beside him as he picked his head up from his shoulder. they turned to face each other on the couch, holding each others hands as if in a form of physical connection. or perhaps ten was making sure he couldn't run away. "you don't have to do it now, not anytime soon, just when you're ready. but i really do think you should tell him."</p><p>"but why? if he doesn't see it too?"</p><p>"because it's only fair for both of you to know. you can't live your entire life keeping this secret for yourself, it's not healthy. i know you know that, you're not stupid jun. and he deserves to know who his soulmate should have been, even if he doesn't see it." ten reasoned, giving renjun's hands a squeeze. "even if he can't see it himself, jeno has the right to know who he theoretically should have ended up with. it's up to both of you to decide what to do with this bond, not just one of you."</p><p>"and if, if, i do tell him, then what?" renjun asked, chewing at his lower lip anxiously.</p><p>"you figure it out from there. one step at a time with each other. whether you decide to try for the bond or let him go free, it should be a mutual agreement." ten answered sagely, a demeanor that is rarely found on ten as he prefers to live carefree. "you aren't bound by this bond no matter the name. you choose who you end up with in the end, if it's your soulmate or not."</p><p>"i never asked grandma even after all those stories she told me, what happens to someone when your soulmate rejects you or if they love someone else." renjun confessed, letting out an airy chuckle. "i should have thinking about it now."</p><p>"if it's a mutual agreement, nothing. the bond is still there, lighter than normal but it won't ruin any relationships you may want to try for."</p><p>"and if it's not mutual?"</p><p>renjun watched the hesitation in ten's eyes, mouth opening and closing quickly as his hands involuntarily twitched. there was a sadness in ten's eyes, somberness taking over the room as ten squeezed renjun's hands harder before providing an answer.</p><p>"if one soulmate rejects the other officially or feels true heartbreak due to the bond or their soulmate, it could possibly break the bond. the string will start fraying all the way to the pinky and turn from red to brown until it turns black and finally falls off." ten explained slowly, waiting for a sign of confirmation that renjun wanted to hear the rest. "soulmates don't recover well from it, i've seen it a few times. it could end in death, literally dying from a broken heart. not all the time, but if they don't die, they always have that scar in their heart to carry around with them and they don't usually try for love again."</p><p>they sat quietly after that, neither of them able to break the heavy silence that fell over them. renjun's neurons were firing at high speed trying to calculate his next actions and movements from here on out, trying to figure out what his fate could be. ten held his hand through all of this, making sure to keep renjun grounded through his thoughts.</p><p>"i'll tell him." it came out as a whisper but it sounded loud in the room, words heavy. "i'll tell him but not now. when i tell him, i'll tell the rest of the family so please keep it a secret for now."</p><p>"of course, whatever you want." ten agreed easily. "take your time with it, there's no need for you to rush it. i'll be here for you whenever it does happen."</p><p>"so you're here to stay?"</p><p>"for now, johnny and i agreed it would be better for both of us to stay in korea for now. his job hasn't called him back yet and i'm freelance during off season." ten answered before smiling brightly. "besides, my baby needs me right now."</p><p>renjun launched himself onto ten, forcing him to fall backward into the armrest of the couch to catch renjun's weight. squeezing his arms around ten's neck, renjun latched onto him like a koala with the force of his hug. ten let out a laugh after the initial shock, bringing his arms up to lock around renjun's back. burying his face into ten's neck, renjun let out a sigh.</p><p>"thank you ten."</p><p>"of course, renjun, always."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>ten is renjun's bodyguard angel, don't try him</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Chapter 25</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>so perhaps renjun was a coward. </p>
<p>perhaps renjun has been avoiding jeno as much as possible since the new year's party. perhaps renjun has been using his family as an excuse to skip their cafe dates and instead said since his family was leaving soon that he wanted to spend as much time as he could before they left. and perhaps renjun also ran the opposite direction from jeno whenever he'd see him, immediately calling someone to hang out with instead of going to his original destination.</p>
<p>to be fair, renjun never promised ten not to be a coward. </p>
<p>"you know baby boo, i know i said take all the time you need and that i'd always be here for you." ten began carefully, leaning against the propped open front door. "but i didn't think you'd call me in panic at 3 in the afternoon and show up at my front door in a cold sweat looking like you've committed a felony."</p>
<p>"you know, when you said it, i didn't think so either but sicheng and kun were busy today with yukhei." renjun frantically replied, swiveling his head around as he frantically checked that his surroundings were clear of any puppy-like, eye-smiling, jeno shaped death flags in the vicinity. "so here we are."</p>
<p>"did you run away from him again?" ten asked exasperated.</p>
<p>"maybe. perhaps. yes. and what about it." renjun rambled nervously, still scared that jeno could pop up from around the corner.</p>
<p>"what was it this time? another almost run in at the bookstore? he come into the coffee shop when you were about to leave and you hid in the corner till he left?" ten contemplated, throwing out previous missed encounters from the past week. "or did he wave hi to you again from across the street and you immediately turned around and almost ran into a street light because you weren't paying attention."</p>
<p>"he was at the apartment. i saw his shoes at the door and ran out."</p>
<p>"and you don't think he or donghyuck heard the front door slam and no one actually coming into the house?"</p>
<p>"i didn't really think that far." renjun answered. "if you couldn't tell, i'm kinda panicking."</p>
<p>"who's at the door?" johnny's voice boomed from deep in the apartment.</p>
<p>"it's just renjun!" ten called back, opening the door a bit wider.</p>
<p>"renjun?" johnny's voice was closer, footsteps coming from within the apartment until he was peering over ten's shoulder curiously, flashing renjun a smile. "hey little one, what brings you here today? you were just here the other day to help us unpack but we finally finished yesterday so i wasn't expecting you."</p>
<p>"i actually wanted to try and get a new wall piece for the living room." ten intercepted, smiling convincingly back at his soulmate. even if ten was tired of his actions and teased him for his panicked decision making, he was always there for him when he needed it. "and who better to ask than the art major?"</p>
<p>"really? what's wrong with the one we have up right now?"</p>
<p>"johnny, i love you and stuck with you for life, but i will not have a chicago bulls tapestry hanging above the television." ten replied, expression exasperated and exhausted which thoroughly convinced renjun that this was actually something ten had been thinking of prior to his appearance. "we're replacing that immediately."</p>
<p>"what's wrong with the bulls?" johnny sputtered indignantly, pout strongly taking over his features.</p>
<p>"nothing honey, but it clashes with the feng shui we got going on with the theme of the house." </p>
<p>"yes, feng shui is incredibly important for interior design." renjun commented offhandedly, not particularly interested in the fine details of it but in his current situation of panic, he's now an expert. "so as your resident art major and chinese international student, i'm here to help."</p>
<p>"so i'm gonna go out with junnie for a little bit. you wanna join?"</p>
<p>"i wish i could but i got a call with corporate over transferring offices. because i did not just put a deposit in on this apartment to go back to america in a month." johnny replied, placing a quick peck on ten's cheek. "have fun you two. renjun, you should stay for dinner."</p>
<p>"sure johnny." renjun readily agreed, shooting the older man a soft smile as ten grabbed his bag from the dining table and crossed the apartment threshold.</p>
<p>"lock the door this time!"</p>
<p>"it was one time!" johnny groaned before the door clicked shut behind them. ten let out a short chuckle as they made their way out of the apartment complex towards the shopping district.</p>
<p>"you seem really happy." renjun commented as ten held onto his hand like a mother with their young child. ten had been humming the entire walk through town as renjun guided him to stores that would be appropriate for his impromptu request, smile never dropping. </p>
<p>"yeah jun, i really am."</p>
<p>"i know this past week have been about me and my disaster of a soulmate bond." renjun began, squeezing ten's hand a little harder. "but i really am glad that you found your's. i'm really happy for you ten, you deserve this."</p>
<p>"thank you baby, it means a lot." ten's voice was barely above a whisper but that didn't stop the sincerity from spilling into his words. "and you deserve to find this kind of happiness too, wherever you may find it."</p>
<p>renjun didn't respond, just holding onto ten's hand as they entered the first store. he couldn't look ten in the face and tell him he wasn't sure that he did deserve that kind of happiness. not when there feels like a void settling into his chest and an internal battle taking place in his mind and soul. he wished for happiness, craved it perhaps, but just wanting for something doesn't mean he deserved it.</p>
<p>but he couldn't tell that to ten, he was too much of a coward.</p>
<p>"what do you think about this one?" the question brings renjun out of his own thoughts, bringing his attention back to reality and to an offensively bright modern piece with a high price tag.</p>
<p>"absolutely not."</p>
<p>"why not?"</p>
<p>"it would throw off the feng shui." renjun joked before pulling ten to a different part of the store. this continued throughout their shopping trip, arguing on what pieces would work best with the apartment's modern sleek theme while bringing enough life and colour to the place. "so it went from temporarily staying in korea just last week to buying home decor for an apartment you signed for. what's up with that?"</p>
<p>"you helped us unpack for 14 hours and now you want to ask?" ten laughed as they made their way to yet another store on the street. "well we talked about it the day after i told you i was staying for now. johnny decided that as much as he liked america, he loved being home more. i decided that i wanted to be near you and the throuple more, it gets lonely in thailand when all you have is your dogs and little brother. it might not be a forever permanent, but korea is gonna be home for a while."</p>
<p>"you tell yangyang yet?"</p>
<p>"yeah, he says this is the perfect excuse for him to transfer universities and get away from home. grandmother has been complaining about him not wanting to find his soulmate."</p>
<p>"what about your studio?"</p>
<p>"i'll fly back every other month to make sure everything is still up and going for showcases. for winter and spring tour, i'll just be handling concept work. i've been thinking about letting lisa take over for a while now anyways." ten answered while picking up another canvas only for renjun to promptly set it back down. "sure i'll take a pay cut but passive income is passive income. might even open up a studio here, you should start dancing again."</p>
<p>"absolutely not. last time i danced for you, i almost fell off the stage during the dry run and saw my life flash before my eyes. i'll stick to art and singing in a karaoke bar. dancing can be left to you and sicheng." renjun immediately answered, picking up a piece in the back. "this one, get this one."</p>
<p>"alright, this one it is jun bug." </p>
<hr/>
<p>"johnny, will you just give me the damn bread basket?" ten asked exasperated, trying to reach over for the aforementioned item as johnny continues to pull it away, forcing ten to lean over the dinner table. "jonathan suh, i swear to god."</p>
<p>"love you!" johnny giggled happily, enjoying the flush that was beginning to creep up ten's collar. "say it back!"</p>
<p>"fine, love you too! now give me the fucking bread basket!"</p>
<p>dinner with johnny and ten are always amusing, watching ten's snark be met with nothing but affection and admiration, much different from what ten's used to. seeing johnny be able to fluster ten was a site that renjun found impressive, almost as impressive as the colour of scarlet ten's ears would turn. watching them together, renjun was relieved that ten met his match, envious of the love that ten had been blessed with. </p>
<p>johnny was good for him. they were good for each other.</p>
<p>"i could have just walked home." renjun said once he had exited the car, johnny's window rolled down to call goodbye. "you didn't need to drive me all the way back."</p>
<p>"no can do little one, i can't allow anything to happen to you or this one over here would have my head." johnny replied, tilting his head to ten in the passenger seat.</p>
<p>"thanks for letting me stay for dinner again."</p>
<p>"anytime, you're always welcome renjun." sending off one final wave, renjun entered his apartment complex and saw johnny's car finally start up again once he passed the doors. well, renjun guessed he collected another overprotective brother figure in his life, adding johnny onto the docket.</p>
<p>once renjun finally made it into the apartment, he slipped off his shoes in the dark and made his way blindly to his room, not wanting to have to turn on and off the lights just to find his room. the light of the television in the living room gave him enough guidance that he managed to make it into his home without falling over.</p>
<p>"hey hyuck, i'm home." renjun called absentmindedly once he managed to get to the living room before he could turn and make his way down the hall to his room.</p>
<p>"welcome home jun."</p>
<p>"hey renjun!" the renjun in this situation ended up running into the wall as he heard jeno's voice project through the living room over the low hum of the television. renjun hadn't even looked to see if jeno's shoes were still at the front door, too occupied with wanting to just crash in his bed for a food coma.</p>
<p>"hi!" renjun's voice pitched higher than it ever had as he quickly made his way to his bedroom, not turning back over his shoulder to see him. "bye!"</p>
<p>renjun quickly slammed his door behind him, he let out a groan as he threw himself onto his bed.</p>
<p>it's official, renjun was a coward.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>90s love is out! and i couldn't stop laughing at all of the dinosaur suits. please give nct a lot of love and especially sungchan with his official official debut as a neo.</p>
<p>also, fuck you sm for fucking over winwin again. i hope you choke</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Chapter 26</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"good morning."</p><p>renjun wasn't expecting a lot in the morning. maybe donghyuck screaming to abba first thing in the morning, using a spatula as his mic. maybe a call from his brother reminding him not to sleep in too late and ruin his sleep schedule. could have been dejun calling to schedule their last family dinner before sicheng and kun had to fly home.</p><p>what renjun wasn't expecting was a knock at the front door to force him out of bed in his moomin pajama pants and the fox house shoes donghyuck bought him to match his duck ones. what he really wasn't expecting was for jeno to be standing on the other side of the door, flashing a smile that doesn't meet his eyes and hand pressing the door to forcibley stay open.</p><p>"jeno, hi. good morning." renjun said, words running together as he watched the man in front of him. jeno continued with the tight lipped smile on his face, eyes still wide and not taking their classic moon shape, it was more intimidating than if jeno had simply stared him down. "what can i do for you this fine morning?"</p><p>"oh you know, some pancakes would be nice. maybe a hot cup of tea." jeno began, finally bringing his hand away from the door, no longer pressing it open. instead, he crossed his arms over his chest and dropped the smile, raising an eyebrow at renjun. "an answer to why you've been avoiding me like the plague?"</p><p>"what? no." even to his ears he sounded highly unconvincing, reminding himself that this was why dejun was the actor in the family. "what're you talking about?"</p><p>"just the fact that every time i try and plan to hang out with you, you come up with some kind of excuse. or when we see each other, you turn around and run for it." jeno recounted, eyes slowly narrowing as he watched renjun's reaction. "or last night, when i came over and you immediately ran to your room like a skittish mouse."</p><p>"i don't seem to recall." renjun squeaked out.</p><p>"so you didn't come in yesterday, seem to realize i was here, and immediately leave. and then came back hours later and when i said hi to you, didn't run into a wall and lock yourself in your room for the rest of the night after a quick hi-bye. that right?"</p><p>"nope!" renjun said, you know, like a liar.</p><p>"renjun." jeno leveled with him and just the sound of his name coming from his voice made renjun's knees weak and buckle. "what's going on?"</p><p>renjun bit the inside of his cheek as he watched jeno's nervous tells break through the calm facade. his eyebrows pulled together more. his leg unable to stop moving, even if it was just a light tap of his foot. the slight tremble in his hands as he tightened the arms pressed against his chest. jeno wasn't angry with renjun's evasion tactics, he was worried.</p><p>"do you want to come in?" renjun asked in lieu of a proper answer. jeno let out a sigh, body visibly relaxing as he crossed the threshold. he silently led jeno to his bedroom, not wanting donghyuck to come in during the middle of their conversation. </p><p>"at first the excuses made sense so i didn't think anything of it. but now i'm certain you're avoiding me." jeno said once the door was shut. "you even took jaemin on a cafe date instead of me! seriously renjun, what's been up with you lately?"</p><p>"i'm sorry, i just, i don't know."</p><p>"did i do something wrong?"</p><p>"no!" renjun immediately exclaimed. "no, you didn't do anything wrong."</p><p>"then why?" the pain in jeno's question was palpable, the twisted expression in his features running home the sentiment. renjun's heart felt like it was being twisted in his chest, the grip jeno had on it too strong to shake off.</p><p>"it's not you, not really." renjun said, sitting down in the center of his bed, unable to meet jeno's eyes. he knew he wasn't ready to tell jeno the whole truth yet, but he didn't want to lie to him. "i'm just, going through some things and i'm trying to get my head straight right now."</p><p>"do you have to avoid me in order to figure it out?"</p><p>"i suppose not." renjun muttered, stretching out the single statement into slow syllables as he stared at his hands.</p><p>jeno let out a soft huff before sitting down next to renjun, mattress creaking under the weight of two grown men, the last bit of tension slipping from his body. they sat in silence for what felt like eternity, the only sound resonating in the room coming from the clock situated on renjun's desk. renjun finally managed enough courage to look at jeno, finding a defeated image of his soulmate taking the form much like a kicked puppy.</p><p>"i'm sorry." it came out as a whisper but it managed to echo throughout the room, between the small distance they had on the bed. "are you mad at me?"</p><p>"i'm not mad, i promise. i was worried that i'd done something horrible and couldn't figure out what it was." jeno said, eyebrows creasing in a way that made renjun want to lean over and smooth out the space. "you know i'm here for you, right? whatever it is, you can talk to me about it. whenever you're ready that is."</p><p>if only he knew how much renjun wanted to talk to him. tell him about what renjun dreamed their future and life could be together or about how much renjun liked the way he smiled and laughed. just small things renjun wished he could finally say, tell jeno all the things he fell in love with. but not yet, renjun wasn't ready yet. "yeah, i know. i promise to tell you when i have it all figured out."</p><p>"so, are we okay? no more avoiding me?" the hopefullness that peaked in jeno's question pull at renjun's heart, eyes shining in the same hope. the tips of jeno's hands trembled slightly, catching renjun's attention with the slight movement. he wasn't quite sure where the burst of braveness came from, but it was enough to make renjun reach out the short distance between them to slip his hand into jeno's and squeeze.</p><p>"yeah, we're okay."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hi! i'm back! i'm so sorry it took over a month. i had finals and then christmas season came and went and i've been really just in my head recently that this story isn't good enough but i promised i would finish it and i'm gonna fucking finish it. this chapter took a lot and i'm not satisfied with it but i don't want to drag it out even longer to give yall an update.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>if you wanna scream at me on my socials <a href="https://twitter.com/huangsupremacy">twitter</a> and <a href="https://curiouscat.qa/huangsupremacy">curiouscat</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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